Fresh off helping her father recover his wallet from his gay Craigslist hook-up, Hannah now assists her mother through her side of the divorce by accompanying Loreen to a women’s spa retreat: the geniusly monikered Spring Queening, a celebration of women who use words like “multi-ecstatic” and “divine,” who have names like Kathy and Cathy and Barb and Coco, and who buy things like the relaxed separates at Ann Taylor Loft. (Seriously, big props to the Girls wardrobe department for finding every shade of draped cardigan.)
Loreen approaches the weekend convinced that she’s going to be sexless and alone if she divorces Tad; she hopes the retreat affords her the empowerment to shift her outlook on her impending return to bachelorette life. Hannah, on the other hand, has no plans whatsoever to take advantage of the spa’s opportunities for self-growth; she spends most of her time either on her phone — crafting, I glean, a pre-breakup email to Fran — or rolling her eyes at the activity’s trust falls, team yoga, blindfolded nature walks, and movement exercise. Hannah never takes off her Cool Shawl.
But suddenly, the appearance of a fit lesbian named Holly (Lena Hall, a Tony winner for Hedwig and the Angry Inch on Broadway, in case you needed to know, and you did) somehow motivates Hannah to spring into some semblance of action to buy into the weekend’s rejuvenating opportunities. “You do you,” Holly says vis-a-vis her cosmic Lululemon tights and glass of green juice. “You’re way too luscious to be with the wrong guy.”
Hannah starts dancing and letting loose for a whopping five minutes before she’s back to her negativity. So, on her next encounter with Holly, the two venture off to the sauna for some muscle stretching (& chill). A chiropractic malfunction results in Hannah sweaty and face-to-face with Holly…and they end up kissing! Seconds later, they’re both talking about sleeping with each other (don’t people just make out anymore!?), and Hannah goes down on her. But after the spontaneity vanishes, Hannah decides she’s immediately done, not even deigning to finish her oral delivery for 30 more seconds for Holly’s pleasure. It’s a strange, albeit interesting, development for Hannah’s character; I wish I could say it’s the key that unlocks Hannah’s relationship with Fran, but no, I think it’s literally just “the episode Hannah orders Lady Seamless.”
Meanwhile, back at dinner, Loreen is left alone to contend with the other divorcees as they bond over things like lentils and egg whites and share horror stories about the men who left them and the nightmares of re-entering the dating pool. It’s mostly run-of-the-mill tragedy (husbands sleeping with their assistants, etc., etc.). I actually gasp when one of the Kathys says, “Just give me a good book and a bottle of wine, and there you have it. The perfect morning.” And it looks like Loreen feels that same fear, hitting her like a sudden wave of self-realization. When she evokes the courage to drop her tragedy bomb about Tad being gay, the women react with ambivalence and even envy — a gay husband, they say, is still leagues ahead of where they’ve ended up.
It gives Loreen plenty to think about, and when Mrs. Horvah finally reunites with Hannah in their hotel room, she announces that she’s going to stay with Tad. “I like our house, and your father’s very nice, and he makes me laugh when he does that Chris Rock,” she says, thoughtfully adding, “These things count.” Hannah, to her credit, doesn’t end the episode with a particular revelation about Fran but does realize how much like her mother she might be: “I think you guys really did f— me up.”
NEXT: Jessa and Shoshanna