Yippee-ki-yay, GCBs and GCBros! It’s the third week of ABC’s newest guilty pleasure, which at this point can only be described as Revenge + Mean Girls + (The View x Friday Night Lights) divided by a healthy dose of Real Housewives of Bethlehem. I’ll be taking the reins on recapping this Texas buffet of pep rally mom bitchery, and what a fantastic week to begin my debauchery-filled duties for a show that’s so over the top, it makes Pee Wee Herman look like Jeremy Irons.
Last week Amanda and Gigi gained another point in the Battle for Suburban Dallas, turning Booby-Licious into the premiere luncheon location, much to the vexation of perenially pissed Carlene. (Meanwhile, the hellish spawn of Cricket and Sharon have taken Laura under their wing, which can only mean future trouble for the Vaughn women.) But while it seemed like Carlene would be back with a vengeance this week, it was Ripp Cockburn who had a plan for retribution up his sleeve.
It all started innocently enough in La Casa de Cockburn, where Ripp and Carlene were experiencing some frustrating bedroom troubles. Ripp’s been focusing too much of his brainpower on trying to uncover dirt on Bill Vaughn, Amanda’s late husband who stole millions from Ripp in a Ponzi scheme. Ripp has been preoccupied by Amanda’s return to Highland Park, and as such, he can only take out his sexual dissatisfaction with a giant crossbow that would make Hawkeye embarrassed. The target on his bullseye? A magazine with “Bill Vaughn’s Ponzi Victims” spread out across the cover. Looks like we’ve got some intrigue here, people!
Carlene can’t handle her marriage’s intimacy problems, though, and asks the GCBs for bedroom advice… for a hypothetical follower of her Bible blog, natch. (In other news, who else wants to visit Carlene’s Bible blog? Step it up, ABC marketing department!) Cricket recommends some Christian self-help marriage books, but as it turns out, Carlene isn’t the only GCB with marital problems. Sharon still hasn’t confronted Zach about kissing Amanda at the car dealership, deciding instead to be a dutiful wife and hope that things blow over. But the gals persuade Sharon to woman up and convince her to stomp on the “blonde viper named Amanda that has slithered into my matrimonial garden!”
Cricket, on the other hand, has been getting her frustration out with her gym trainers: first with Lance, her personal trainer, who suddenly calls off the affair because he’s engaged to “something named Kiki,” who works at a private gym. This will simply not fly with Mrs. Caruth-Reilly, who sends a gift to the happy couple before buying and destroying the entire chain of gym centers. Match point for Cricket, and she’s back to tae kwon doin’-it with former instructor Victor (who, as Sharon hilariously hisses, “is Asian!”).
NEXT: Gigi shoves Amanda back into the dating pool