We’re so in love with Game of Thrones this season and the characters are so in love with each other.
Ygritte and Jon are in love. Sansa loves Loras. Tyrion loves Shae. Jaime and Brienne love each other, but like siblings (but not, you know, Lannister-style siblings). And Robb, oh, Robb definitely loves Talisa. You hear me? He loves her butt so much. Heck, even bony warg Orell is in love. Practically the only major adult characters who aren’t loving anybody this week are Tywin and Dany, so no wonder they’re the only ones actually getting stuff done. So let’s attack-attack with all our heart (or at least our duty-bound loins) this week’s Thrones:
Robb’s Tent: Robb’s procession to his uncle’s wedding at the Freys is slowed by bad weather. His mom frets about the Freys being annoyed, while The Blackfish contemplates the merits of his poop vs. Lord Walder Frey.
Finally Robb says, “We should all get some sleep.” This is Robb-code for: Get out of my damn tent I want to hump Talisa and, no, I don’t care if her name sounds like a trendy nightclub or a line of overpriced teas from Whole Foods. His mom steals an inappropriate look back as she exits the tent just to confirm that, yup, her son really is that horny.
Later, they snuggle. She delights as Robb bites her lip — grrr, you savage wolf-boy you! We get a shot of Robb butt. We also get Talisa butt and sexy Talisa toe-flexing. Lot of tush this season. [Note to self: Pitch EW.com on Game of Thrones Butt-Shot Gallery — a million page views for sure!].
“How am I supposed to sit here planning a war when you’re over there looking like that,” Robb says. Talisa’s writing a letter to her mother and says she’ll someday tell her about her marriage to Robb and about their child. Robb nods. Takes a beat. Whaaaaa? She’s pregnant! He’s ecstatic and surprised. Unsure why he’s shocked given the extent of their lovemaking (perhaps Robb had been using protection? You’d think there would be a market in Westeros for, say, Kingsguard-brand condoms — “Bastard Protection You Can Trust”).
Talisa says: “I have your little prince or princess inside me.” Well, they better make some room because here comes Robb again!
South of the Wall: Ygritte is engaging in her favorite pastime of mocking Jon Show as they make their way to Castle Black. She mocks his Southie stiff demeanor and his marching armies, drums and roads. But then she sees a windmill and loses her mind, like she just stumbled onto the Great Pyramid. She also doesn’t know what the words “swoon” or fainting” mean. In fact, the further South they explore, the more apparent it becomes she’s like the simple country girl who’s headed toward the big city and won’t know which fork to use when Jon takes her to dinner. You get the impression she’d probably fall to her knees in awe at the sight of a chamber pot — Why didn’t we think of that?!
Meanwhile the other Wildings have taken an interest in their coupling. Giantsbane gives sex tips (“slick as a baby seal,” check). But Orell the Bitter Warg is jealous and wants Ygritte for himself and warns her about Jon. “You won’t love him so much when you find out what he really is,” Ortell says ominously. Uh, what’s that? Uncircumcised? I think she knows.
Later, Jon Snow gets tired of being told he knows nothing and gently tries to explain to Ygritte about the Westeros warfare. “You won’t win,” he says flatly, noting the Wildlings haven’t got the training or the tactics. In fact, he reveals the Wildlings have invaded south of the wall six times before and have never won. This is a double newsflash to Ygritte. Apparently the Wildlings aren’t taught their own history. So Ygritte is like Morpheus and believes Mance is like Neo, The One who can bring about revolution. While Jon is like The Architect pointing out that if there’s actually been six previous Ones who have tried and failed to overthrow The Matrix. Ergo, they’ll die if they attack The Wall.
But then Jon will die too, because he’s with them. “You’re mine and I’m yours,” Ygritte says. “And if we die, we die. But first we’ll live.” Translation: Yeah, this situation is f–ked and our love is probably doomed but at least we can have sex a lot first. It’s a metaphor for life, really.
NEXT: Sansa convinces us she’s stupid