Welcome back, DANCMSTRs. I’m loving this “second chance” opportunity in season 12. We got to see all the contestants twice, which meant 22 different outfits. What if the one going home first turns out to be the one who wore the fringed booty shorts, or the studded bicep shackles, or the Hamburglar shrug? Imagine your life without a single one of these looks! Surely you cannot. Nearly everyone improved on their Week 1 scores in last night’s performance episode. Here’s how they fared in either the jive or the quickstep for week 2. (They’re ranked by total score out of possible 60, from this week and last.)
Will the judges please reveal their scores? Carrie Ann Inahhhhh-ba!
Ralph Macchio and Karina Smirnoff: 24/30 foxtrot + 21/30 jive = 45/60 Does it even matter how Ralph danced the jive? He has named his only son Daniel, presumably after his role in The Karate Kid! Daniel-son, Julia, and Phyllis attended one of Ralph’s rehearsals — it was pretty early for a family-based segment but the producers probably didn’t want to keep Daniel-son a secret any longer than was absolutely necessary. “Surprisingly, it was better than I expected,” said Daniel-son. He speaks, he scores! New favorite character by far. Anyway, I agreed with Len that Ralph “overdid it” in his air-guitar jive. He definitely had the steps down, but the energy was so off the wall and the ballroom has no walls! Ralph seemed deliberately gawky and awkward for the jive, which reminds me of something some of Our Pros do from time to time. It can work for them, but on a week 2 contestant, I was just confused. The judges want him to sharpen up his moves and “Hit, hit, hit!” Did anyone else notice that by the time they’d all awarded him a seven, the judges had exhibited an air of all right already! Of course, it’s a seven! They were exasperated! It’s hard out there for a person who has to hold up a paddle. Life is tough.
Hines Ward and Kym Johnson 21/30 cha cha + 23/30 quickstep = 44/60 Even though these two are having trouble communicating in their shared primary language, Hines and Kym already exhibit a rare chemistry for Week 2. They just seem to really be peering into each other’s eyes during their dances, and they complement each other all over that floor, right down to the subtle peeks of red lining we got from the underside of Kim’s frothy skirt to match his jacket. Hines was so light, quick, and dynamic here in this unfamiliar ballroom standard. Also, I’ll just say it. He does have one spectacular rump, doesn’t he? Shall I call him Hindquarters Ward? His prowess combined with her dress (which was just beyond) made Hindquarters and Kym my favorite couple of the night. When they ran across the floor diagonally, it looked like they were just fluttering by with no feet — like when Mary Poppins and Bert rode across the stream on turtles. Carrie Ann said Hindquarters could be giving season 3 winner Emmitt Smith a run for his Twinkle Toes money. Hard to say how much money Emmitt Smith has invested in that Dancing With the Stars nickname. Billions, I’m sure. Then Carrie Ann made a fart noise and she and Bruno high-fived behind Len’s back. Planet Mirrorballus can be super classy sometimes.
NEXT: Kirstie and Maks, Chris and Cheryl, Romeo and Chelsie, and magnificent chesticles