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Desperate Housewives recap: Abs-olutely Fabulous

Bree fights her attraction to her handyman; creepy Paul forces the chemistry with his new wife

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Brian Green Housewives
Danny Feld/ABC

Desperate Housewives

TV Show
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Plenty of important things happened on last night’s episode of Desperate Housewives that’d be worthy of opening this recap: A bombshell that Tom and Renee are hiding from Lynette began to unfurl; Paul introduced us to his weirdo new prison bride, Beth; Gaby discovered the truth about Juanita’s biology; and Lainie Kazan, as website madam Maxine, cleaned smudges off a dinner table with her extremely ample bosom. (Sorry for conjuring that troublesome image yet again.) But let’s take a minute to focus on the most important revelation of the evening: Brian Austin Green’s ridiculously sweet abs!

As Mrs. McCluskey told Bree—who fired Keith and his washboard before hiring him back at the end of the episode—you could “grate cheese” on those abs. (On a related note, am I the only one fantasizing about picking up a block of Monterey Jack and making nachos for dinner tomorrow?) Yes indeed, bless the ladies of Desperate Housewives for preferring their handymen (John Rowland, Mike Delfino, etc.) sexy and shirtless. The potential of having a gardener or plumber or contractor tearing off his shirt will forever keep me coming back to Wisteria Lane. (How many of you Housewives aficionados are with me?!)

But let’s get back to the plot-based intrigue. As I mentioned, last night was indeed revelatory—and not just in the six-pack category. First and foremost, there’s trouble brewing in the Scavo household. Turns out that Tom and Renee—Lynette’s best friend from college played by Vanessa Williams, who was introduced last week—are hiding a past indiscretion from the ever-suspicious Lynette. With the way this is being played, it seems we’re supposed to believe Renee and Tom previously hooked up or somesuch, but my hunch tells me to never trust my first instinct when it comes to Desperate. So then, what could they be hiding that would be just as devastating to Tom and Lynette’s relationship? Maybe a sickness Tom hid from Lynette that Renee helped him through privately? A loan Renee spotted a younger and poorer Tom? A truth about Renee’s life in NYC that only Tom knows? The possibilities are endless, especially considering the almost nonexistent amount of information we currently have.

But, to the producers’ (and our) delight, we have the whole season to figure out what’s up. Last night, Renee told Lynette that she’s moving into Edie’s old house across the street. My only hope with Renee’s permanent residence on Wistera is that she’ll break out a bit from Lynette and wreak a little havoc on the rest of the ladies, too. Judging by the previews for next week, that’s the case and she’ll start with Bree—namely, by attempting to crack into Brian Austin Green’s six-pack! I’m all about the potential battle between Renee and Bree. Only, I can’t even begin to figure out who’d win. (Place your bets down in the comments section, everyone!)

Three other noteworthy things about Lynette-related storylines from last night: 1) Loved the scene between Renee and Penny, when Renee asked her: “What did Auntie Renee teach you about marriage?” Penny: “Never sign a pre-nup.” Spoken like a true NYC gold-digger! 2) Apparently, Tom wasn’t lying—men can have postpartum depression! I looked it up. (That is, if a quick Google search counts as “looking it up.”) And 3) Tom was reading Muscle Mover magazine while lying in bed. I mean! Huh? Or, rather: Where can I get a subscription? I want abs like Megan Fox’s hubby, too!

NEXT: Um, Gaby? That’s your daughter you’re talking about!