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'Desperate Housewives' recap: What's love got to do with it?

Bree has some misgivings after she takes a risky step in her quest to leave Orson, while Susan and Mike make big plans with their new significant others but for very different reasons

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Desperate Housewives, Marcia Cross
Ron Tom/ABC

Desperate Housewives

TV Show
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Playing off the Stephen Sondheim musical of the same name, last night’s episode of Desperate Housewives was entitled ”Marry Me a Little.” The episode did revolve around nuptials, but tragically enough, no wedding bells rang. A situation that — because it involved the sweet, sweet Jackson being carted away by police — actually made me sad, even though I generally detest the prospect of wedding episodes. And weddings themselves, for that matter.

True, the Jackson-Susan marriage was a sham concocted just so that he could avoid being deported back to Canada, but I have to admit that I was quite awash with misery when the immigration police carted him away at the end of the episode. I kept feeling that — oh, I don’t know — maybe he and Susan would actually fall back in love via this arrangement. In some weird way, Jackson seems to be the antidote to Susan’s irritating ways. Don’t you agree? Anyway, that thought makes me happy. Plus he’s easy on the eyes. Does that help explain my sadness at Jackson’s departure a little more?

The little tidbit that’s keeping me happy is that Gale Harold is indeed listed as a guest star in the first hour of next week’s two-hour finale. Maybe it’s just for the pre-flight-back-to-Canada goodbyes, but we may not have seen the last of him — and his glorious Susan-calming ways — just yet….At least one can hope.

We have Dave Williams, naturally, to thank for Jackson’s predicament. Jackson made the mistake of telling Wistera Lane’s resident creepster that he was going to talk to the police about that club fire that Dave started. So when Dave found out why Jackson was really marrying Susan, he put in the call to have him arrested. When is Dave going to learn that he can’t just kill someone (hi, Dr. Heller!) or sic the cops on him (hi, Porter Scavo!) if they get in his way? Anyway, it seems like all of that will unravel in next week’s finale, which actually looks quite riveting based on the quick promo at the end of last night’s episode. Dave confessing via viral video? (”I didn’t want to kill M.J. Delfino,” he says, ”I had to.” Ooooh!) Lynette’s cancer is back? (Could just be a promo ploy — at least, let’s hope that’s all it is!) Gaby and Carlos are having someone move in? (Spoiler: It’s Gaby’s niece!) Orson and Bree go toe-to-toe? (Love it!) Anyway, back to last night’s episode….

The other nuptial-based story line concerned Katherine and Mike. She, of course, has been hankering to get married, and he — well, not so much. But as soon as Mike found out that Susan was marrying Jackson (although he didn’t know the exact reason for the union), he proposed to Katherine, who couldn’t have been more elated. Katherine seemed convinced that if Susan was off the market, then Mike was all hers.

But Mike undoubtedly seems to still be in love with Susan. So, question: Why is Katherine so stuck on being with someone who doesn’t necessarily want to be with her? I mean, I understand the need to have someone in your life and Mike certainly isn’t a bad person, but he always seems sort of ”just okay” with Katherine. That is, rather than really being in love with her. Poor Katherine. I hate seeing a woman so truly desperate (really, she was going to pay Susan’s alimony herself?!?). But then again, I suppose that is the point of this show.

Despite the fact that Orson didn’t realize it until the very end of the episode, Bree and Orson’s marriage continued to fall apart. Bree plotted with her lawyer/Susan’s ex, Karl, about how to protect her assets and business when she files for divorce from her petty thief husband. I have to say: The Bree-Karl pairing is totally genius. He’s a dog; she’s a prim bitch. But they play off each other so well! It’s like they both hate what the other one stands for but then they had odd moments where they came together — and it almost seemed like maybe a new romantic pairing was blossoming. (What would Susan think of that? Two of her best friends dating/potentially marrying her ex-husbands!)

You see, Bree and Karl flirtatiously sparred the whole time they were breaking into her house. But it was later, when Bree was trying to back out of divorcing Orson, that I really got the feeling of some weird romance between these two. Karl touched Bree’s chin softly and told her she’d land on her feet, even without Orson, and I thought they might kiss there. But, of course, Karl immediately turned into an asshole two seconds later, referring to lots of his clients as ”ugg-os” who ”are going to die alone and get eaten by their cats.” But maybe Karl is talking Bree out of staying with Orson so he can have her for himself? We shall see.

NEXT: Tom throws a wrinkle into Lynette’s plans

In terms of Orson, I have no goodwill left for him. Bree seems justified in divorcing him, even if her sneakiness with her assets is mean-spirited. Even during that scene where Orson sweetly recounted how he bought that Italian mask for Bree didn’t make me feel much for him. If Orson does manage to stick around for next season, he’d better get a really good story line. Or, maybe, no story line. Maybe he can just be one of those guys on the street (like Wisteria Lane gays Bob and Lee, unfortunately) who just blends into the background and doesn’t do anything. I’m bored with what his character does do — and how much screen time he gets — at this point.

Somehow, Lynette and Gaby had story lines that were weightier than Katherine’s, Susan’s, and Bree’s, but they seemed less important to the show’s overall arc. Lynette spent the hour trying to convince Tom, who was feeling ageism after trying to get back into the job market, not to get a facelift. Lynette’s plan to deflate Tom’s plastic surgery dreams — she over excitedly introduced him to a coworker of hers that had a very tragic facelift — was so very signature Lynette in its passive-aggressive and I-told-you-so way.

But then it was her heart-tugging speech that really got him to rethink cutting his face up: ”But I don’t see your wrinkles, Tom,” she said, sweetly, pointing at different wrinkles on his face. ”I see our whole life together. This is you worrying about how you’re going to provide for us. This is Penny falling out of the tree house and breaking her arm. This is my cancer. These are the millions of laughs that got us through all those tough times. It’s like a map of our marriage, and I don’t wanna lose it.” Awwww, now that’s super touching. I never tire of how great of an actress Felicity Huffman is. She makes Lynette the most likable lady on the Lane.

Gaby, meanwhile, took her ungrateful (which is laughable, compared to Gaby herself) daughter Juanita to work at a soup kitchen and ran into an old friend, Fran, who had lost everything. Gaby, also in her signature way, couldn’t figure out how Fran could fall so far. Drugs? Gambling? Drinking? In the episode’s other touching-because-it’s-so-true moment, Fran explained her predicament to Gaby: ”The truth is, we’re all just an accident or a tumor or a bad investment away from standing in line for free soup.” In my notes I take while watching, I just wrote, ”OMG, so true!” after she said that.

Also, there were tons of great sound bites from the cast last night! Here are a handful of my favorites:

–Lynette, to Tom, after she over-complimented his old roommate about how youthful he looked: ”Okay, I went a little overboard. You know me — two margaritas and I need a muzzle.”

–Lynette, unsuccessfully working the anti-facelift angle with Tom: ”You don’t need a facelift! What if I went out and got a boob job and came home with big, giant, sideshow boobs — how would you like that?” Tom’s response: ”I’d learn to live with it somehow.”

–Bree, to Karl just before breaking into her house: ”Wipe your feet first — I just had the carpets cleaned. Just because we’re thieves doesn’t mean we need to be untidy.”

–Karl, to Bree, who was rearranging knick-knacks on her mantle while robbing her house: ”This place has to look like it was ransacked by robbers — not someone’s personal shopper!”

— Bree, to Karl, while robbing her house: ”You want to be a Neanderthal, Karl, that’s your choice. I prefer to behave with class and dignity. Now, may we please finish robbing my home?”

— Jackson, after Susan asks if he can tell the girls about why she’s really marrying him: ”No way! I mean, they don’t call her Gaby for nothing.”

— Susan, after Jackson complains about having to be deported: ”It’s Canada — not Iran. It’s like America with free health insurance!”

— Gaby, after the priest at the soup kitchen assumes she’ll be lending a hand along with her daughter Juanita: ”Oh, me? No, no, not me. I’m not really dressed for ladeling. But, um, I could stand by the condiment bar and spritz people with my Chanel.”

What about you, Desperate TV Watchers? How’d you feel about this episode? Are you excited for the finale? What are your predictions? Will M.J. really die?

Are Orson and Bree going to go through with the divorce? Will Lynette’s cancer really flare back up? (I hope not!)