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Desperate Housewives recap: A Gentle Touch

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Desperate Housewives
Eric McCandless/ABC

Desperate Housewives

type:
TV Show
Current Status:
Pending
seasons:
7

You know the old TV adage: When you can’t think of anything else to write an episode about, just throw together an hour that centers around a stripper, and you’ll be golden. Well, there is no such adage, if you detected the sarcasm of the previous statement, but you wouldn’t know that if you watched last night’s episode of Desperate Housewives, which fully embraced the silly, stripper-focused mantra, even if it is made up. Even poor Julie Benz, who yet again portrayed new-to-Wistera Lane-stripper-with-a-tiny-annoying-baby-voice Robin Gallagher and got top billing last night, couldn’t make the low-rent story line work.

In the absence of an episode that either (A) moved forward old story lines that need to be dealt with (like the Bolen situation, hello!) or (B) launched new, interesting story lines that could propel we viewers through to the end of this season, the producers chose to show a one-off episode that was divided up by how each of the housewives on the Lane interacted with the new, former stripper resident that Susan had brought to live with her.

Naturally, each 10-minute-or-so segment was just so hilarious and enlightening! (Not. That’s more sarcasm, in case it wasn’t clear yet again.) Robin’s interactions began with the Scavos and were introduced as ”Lynette & the Stripper.” (And so on from there for each different lady.) Basically, the Scavo-Robin story line boiled down to Lynette and Tom finding out that their son Parker had offered Robin money to have sex with him. ”We’d hoped,” Lynette said to Parker, in quite the tone after finding out what he’d done, ”that it’d be another year before we had the parent-son conversation where we tell you not to offer your neighbor money for sex, but….”

Such a story line should have been shocking and unexpected, but it just came off as desperate… which maybe is just how it should have seemed, considering. The highlight? When Parker confessed that he was the only virgin amongst his dorky friends. ”First of all, we’ve seen your friends,” Lynette assured him, ”and Pimples, Braces, and Beam Me Up Scotty aren’t gettin’ any!” That was amusing for a minute. The mess also brought to light the fact that Tom thinks that all men pay for sex — through flowers, dinners or jewelry — which put him in the doghouse… for a few hours. (When isn’t Tom in the doghouse with Lynette?) Natch, the Scavos’ story line circled back around to the aforementioned doghouse! Or, rather, the resolution to the doghouse. The stripper saw Lynette and Tom doing it, apparently. ”The next time you’re giving it to your husband,” Robin said to Lynette, when she dropped by to apologize, ”could you draw the drapes?” Goodness, this is where we are with the Scavos? Strippers spying on them getting it on? Ewwww. Lynette is still pregnant!

Next up: Bree! Robin stopped by Bree’s industrial catering kitchen to find out how to make a cake (um, right) and ended up telling the happy homemaker that she could still please Orson, or at least satisfy him in some way, without having sex with him. Um, yah. So that led to the most awkward stripping scene in the history of television, as Bree proceeded to try to give an unknowing Orson an impromptu lap dance. Gross. Ultimately, though, the awkward situation got Bree and Orson talking more — looks like this is one marriage that is going to be saved! Although, it’s really still very unclear about whether it should be saved. Right?!

NEXT: Katherine gets someone interested in her (and may get interesting herself)

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