Last night was supposed to be the big, shocking Desperate Housewives that’d leave us all wanting more over its coming, and rather long, holiday hiatus. It surely had all the elements of what should have been a great — or at least totally nuts-o episode: a huge accident, the possible deaths of mains characters, and a Christmas party on Wisteria Lane! (Holidays in the ‘burbs are always a rockin’ good time.)
But, alas, little about the hour was very shocking. And really, I wasn’t left wanting more. Sure, I’ve got questions, but I’m happy to wait a few weeks to get answers. Because truly the main event — the oh-so-built-up plane crash that played pretty much exactly like the street-wrecking tornado of two seasons ago — was dead on arrival. (And I’m not talking just about Nurse Mona, who apparently lost her life during the disaster.) I guess I should just resign myself to the fact that the Desperate producers were simply desperate to draw the airplane-crash story line out as much as they could, which is why they decided to launch the episode with it — but not deliver on what we all knew was ultimately coming. Or, calamity on Wisteria Lane.
Naturally, we viewers were left with may more questions at the end of the episode than were answered. (Again, probably an intentional move to get us to tune back in for the first episode back after New Year’s.) Queries like: Is Mona really dead? Did she tell anyone about the information she knows about the Bolen family? Will Lynette’s saving of Gaby’s daughter Celia be enough to patch things up between the feuding pair? How, exactly, did Angie Bolen escape the plane’s wings, yet Mona — who she was fighting with at the time — didn’t? Who’s dead — or at least, who’s bloody hand is that — inside the Santa’s Workshop that was seemingly inhabited by a dueling Orson and Karl, as well as Bree, before the small plane demolished it? Are there any other casualties? How did geriatric pair Mrs. McCluskey and Roy possibly move their wrinkly behinds out of the way in time?
To me, the bloody hand looked rather ladylike to me. So, I’m guessing we’re supposed to interpret that Bree is dead. And that is: totally not a remote possibility in any and all scenarios. The producers would never kill Bree. So do Orson or Karl have unusually lady-ish paws? Not that I’ve ever noticed before. (Have you ever taken note of that, viewers? Tell me in the comments, if so!) So, it’s probably just a play to get attention. Either someone else is dead — or hurt badly — inside that Santa shack or Bree is simply bloody and will live to see another day. Or, I suppose, it could be Karl or Orson, one of whom has very delicate hands.
Early in the episode I kept thinking about how much I’d love to see Orson just bite the dust at the hands of the airplane. Honestly, his character has been nothing but a waste this season. But then also, last night, I felt a tinge of pain for him, as Bree tried to blackmail him into divorce, when really, he was happy to resign to her demands without a fight. (Awww, he really loved her this whole time?) He did get in an appropriate and hilarious jab, though, after Bree promised she wouldn’t embarrass him through the divorce proceedings: ”What a tasteful solution,” he chided. ”You must write an etiquette book for adulterers.” That’s our Bree — always tasteful. Also: Wouldn’t you totally read Bree’s etiquette book for adulterers if she actually wrote one? I would!
NEXT: Katherine shows just how much she’s lost it