Last night’s Desperate Housewives was basically a big swap meet. Bree traded an invite to M.J.’s sleepover for Karl’s divorce expertise. Gaby gave up on making a rather solid parental point so she could look good in a party pic (before amending it in a heartfelt way). Susan traded true love for a sham marriage to the back-out-of-nowhere Jackson. Lynette swapped sleep for sex, which enraged her partner Tom. And Katherine? She enlisted M.J. and traded him a bowl of breakfast ice cream for him to pop the big question on his dad: ”Are you going to marry Katherine?”
And we viewers? What’d we gain and lose in this veritable swap meet? Well, not much, if I had to say. When all the bargaining was said and done, it was almost like the show’s producers were asking us for a trade — one that was really nothing more than a concession on our part. Could we pretty please be patient and hold out just a bit longer for what we’re really waiting for? Simply put, what we’d trade a lumpy Tom-Lynette story line for is: the answer to when Dave Williams will make his big move for the season. We’ve been waiting forever! Of course, there’s little doubt that’s coming in the two-hour season finale on May 17. But I thought maybe, just maybe, that we might get some traction on that front in this third-to-last episode of the season.
But nope. Dave invited Susan and M.J. to go boating with him on Bass Lake — and then she cancelled. (More on why, exactly, in a minute.) And in case we couldn’t already guess Dave’s intentions for such a trip, Dave made the invitation phone call with a newspaper clipping just casually sitting on the countertop. The headline: ”Child Dead in Tragic Accident At Bass Lake.” Really? As if the show really needed to bang us over the head so hard with what is going to happen when Dave finally gets his hands on Susan and M.J. Clearly, he’s going to — in his mind, at least — make Susan pay for the hurt she caused him. Read: Kill M.J.! Or Susan! Or both! Who’s going to pay for all the pain I’ve been caused from dealing with this painfully slow story line? Because someone surely needs to!
The Dave Williams story line did drop one other little morsel, but it wasn’t too tasty. Two detectives showed up at the creep’s door with a photo of Dr. Heller, the psychiatrist who Dave killed in the club fire last fall. Natch, Dave acted like he didn’t know him: ”What’s a shrink from Boston doing in Fairview?” The cops asked him about Jackson, too, but Dave again acted ignorant. But, why don’t the detectives just go to Dr. Heller’s office and pull all of his files and quickly make the Dave connection? I know there are doctor-patient confidentiality laws, but it seems like that’s the first logical step — one that would lead them to Dave in a jiffy. Or, it could be that they already have and are now just watching Dave more closely to see who his next victims are. Either way, Dave’s time is clearly ticking, a fact that seemed super-apparent with his extreme disappointment when Susan had to pull out of the planned boat trip.
The reason Susan canceled on the trip? Shocker! (No really!) She’ll be busy marrying Jackson! The proposal scene was rather hilarious and quite embarrassing for Susan. Jackson told her, ”I want you to marry me,” and next thing we knew, Susan was in the bathroom, crying and giving this rather tragic speech, which is worth reading in its entirety: ”I am so lonely, and as much as I tell myself I like being the strong, single woman on her own, the truth is, I think about you all the time, and I wanted to call you but I thought you’d gotten over me. And then to hear you still love me. That is just something I really needed to hear right now. And I want you to know, oh God, I want you to know, I love you, too. Jackson, I love you!”
Turns out, Jackson didn’t exactly get to spit out the reason why he wanted to marry her: He’s from Canada and in the States on an expired student visa. Unless someone walks down the aisle with him, he’ll have to head home. Susan, of course, was livid and ran him out of the house with a plunger. By the end of the episode, though, Susan had come around and decided to give in to Jackson’s request. And really, the both of them seemed to just be dancing around the fact that they really did want to marry, regardless of the impending deportation. ”I’ll do it, but that’s it!” Susan warned. ”Just marriage.” Jackson: ”No sex.” Susan: ”You want people to think this is a real marriage, don’t you?” That’s not the kind of flirting that goes on in a business deal, if you ask me.
NEXT: Gaby puts on a good face