”At 2:26 a tornado came to Wisteria Lane.” Well, Mary Alice, if we’re going to get fussy about time, then at 9:04 I was absolutely certain that Mrs. McCluskey was going to die. She’s a secondary character. There was a completely random reference to her in the ”previously on” summary. She hasn’t been involved in a major plotline in forever. In the opening voice-over, Mary Alice mentioned ”a friend” would be lost. If you took all that into consideration, it was just so obvious that Mrs. McCluskey was a goner you couldn’t help rolling your eyes when she went into the storm to search for Toto — I mean Toby. To be honest, I started eulogizing Mrs. McCluskey for this TV Watch before the episode was even over. So when she climbed out from under the mattress, looking old and tired but very much alive, I thought to myself, ”Well hold on just a second,” then thought, ”Falling tree branch?” then I stopped thinking, because Lynette started screaming, and I started cringing, and then I started screaming, because…
I’m getting ahead of myself. If I start with the dramatic climax, you won’t have any incentive to read about Mike, the happy newlywed turned drug addict and abusive husband.
Once upon a time, Mike and Susan were two kids very much in love. Trailers covered in Christmas lights. An unexpected bundle of joy on the way. Conflict for these two meant only an occasional clogged drain. Then, I blinked, and Mike Delfino had a murderer for a father, a prescription drug habit, pill-pushing friends, a nasty temper, and a predilection for domestic violence. Mike, I’m sure plenty of people feel like pushing Susan down a flight of stairs sometimes, but you shouldn’t get her knocked up and then start knocking her around. Susan, channeling a high school principal, left a note for Mike in his pill stash. I wonder how many drafts she went through before settling on ”See me.” Why not ”If you’re reading this, I have your pills. I know you hide them in your car. That’s how I knew to put the note here. In your pill container. Or your ‘stash.’ Whatever lingo drug users like yourself are using these days. You user. This is not an opportunity to score more meds before discussing this with me. I hope you find this note soon. Until then, I’ll have to pretend like everything is peachy keen. XOXO.” At the hospital, Mike punched an orderly, and yet the policeman told him he’d be freed as soon as Susan was patched up. Maybe I’ve seen too many episodes of Law & Order, but shouldn’t someone be questioning Mike? Luckily, the baby was fine, and Susan only had a minor ankle sprain. She suggested Mike go into rehab, but he claimed he’d kick the habit himself, his face contorting in what might have been steely determination or possibly minor constipation. With Mike, you can never really tell. Regardless, I almost believed he would try to stop using drugs. Or at least try longer than 30 seconds. He saw Susan’s painkillers and shamelessly asked if he could have one. And I tried to decide which sucked more, the tornado or this story line.
On to drug-free relationships. Carlos finally admitted that he and Gaby were meant to be together. He’s right, though it would have been a lot more romantic had Carlos said this to Gaby, or anyone, really, besides Victor. While everyone was hustling around to prepare for the tornado, Gaby and Carlos were planning to skip town. (I thought you couldn’t ”prepare” for tornadoes because they just sorta happened without much warning, but then again, everything I know about tornadoes was gleaned through several viewings of Twister, so, yeah.) ”We just have to wait till this all blows over,” Gaby said to the girls, referring to her current husband’s murderous rage but surveying the set that was about to be demolished. Some housewives seemed concerned about how poor Edie would react to the news of Gaby and Carlos’ rekindled love, but Gaby couldn’t care less about ”that woman,” the ”vindictive bitch,” the ”maggoty whore,” the ”conniving skank.” Her words, not mine. She’s funnier than me. Of course, when Edie caught wind (tornado pun watch!) from the local bottled-water profiteer that Carlos and Gaby were moving, she prepared for an emotional showdown. She didn’t have to do much preparing; the offshore-bank-account documents fell right into her manipulative hands. With the height difference, you’d think all Edie would have to do would be to hold the documents high above Gaby’s reach, but as we’ve learned in the past few weeks, Gaby is an aggressive little lady. The two had a fun catfight, until the papers, the ticket to $10 million, got sucked into the air. ”What did you do?” screamed Gaby, sounding much like the wicked witch of Wisteria Lane. Just when Gaby and Edie were about to kill each other, a massive CGI effect headed their way, forcing them to put their differences aside so they could fit into Edie’s very convenient crawl space. Confined space and natural disaster brought out the sap in Gaby, who apologized to Edie. Edie told her to shut the hell up. Ha! Edie predicted that they wouldn’t die (something I too predicted, seeing as they aren’t husbands, and certainly aren’t great friends to anyone) and promised to go on hating Gaby for years to come. Aww.
NEXT: Gunplay, then fencing