Welcome home, Desperate Housewives, welcome…sorry. Extreme Makeover really messed with my head. We started this week with the combination of rippling water and Mary Alice’s voice. I was excited for this episode, but I felt my eyes grow heavy. A Mary Alice voice-over combined with rippling water is a strong sedative. Especially after two hours of Ty Pennington screaming into a megaphone. ”We think of the past as water under the bridge,” Mary Alice crooned. I nodded, hypnotized. We saw various riffraff float by. Was anyone else expecting seasons 2 and 3 of Desperate Housewives on DVD to drift past? I was sleepy and skeptical at the start of last night’s episode, worried that a trip down memory lane would remind me of all the missteps Housewives had taken in the previous two seasons. I was wrong. Forgive me, Marc Cherry. I loved this episode for addressing past plot points but also for filling certain, um, cavities.
Also asking for forgiveness were Gaby and Carlos, who made a visit to God’s house. (To be clear: not Marc Cherry’s digs.) How they got through the doors without being struck by lightning is anyone’s guess. Carlos went to have his sins absolved. Gaby went to wear a cute new dress and possibly challenge a few nuns to a rumble. When Gaby touched the holy water, it didn’t burn her fingertips off, which was proof that she’s not entirely evil. ”Don’t you feel guilty a man is dead?” Carlos yelled, you know, so that his voice wouldn’t echo to the high heavens and so that the cleaning lady nearby wouldn’t overhear. The residents of Wisteria Lane are in desperate need of a tutorial on using inside voices. Gaby paused for a second, contemplating what the word ”guilt” could possibly mean. Then she hit Carlos over the head, which was proof that if you’re Gaby’s lover, you’re gonna suffer some head trauma. Strap on a helmet.
Eva Longoria is a fantastic actor. Gaby is not. The girl was skipping around with a scarlet letter embroidered on whatever adorable outfit she was wearing while singing, ”Ding-dong, the mayor’s dead.” ”I hope this isn’t…?” Gaby asked, warily trailing off with her eyes darting around suspiciously when the detectives told her that Victor was missing. Hope this isn’t what, Gaby? The last episode to air because of the writers’ strike? Breathe easy, it’s not! The detectives informed her that they hadn’t found a single fingerprint on Victor’s abandoned boat and that ”whoever was on that boat was not that bright.” Gaby learned a hard truth: Applying concealer is much easier than concealing murder. When Carlos talked about confessing to the police, Gaby was in all her unapologetic, conniving, and self-serving glory. She could have pulled an Edie and phoned a friend about offshore banking, but why resort to blackmail when there was perfectly good tequila and sleeping pills around? Even Carlos couldn’t argue with that reasoning. Gaby’s less than thrilled reaction upon hearing that Victor washed up on shore, combined with a dazed and confused Carlos stumbling in the nearby window (could someone please close the blinds?) was hilarious. Not so much fun was Victor’s warning to Gaby. He remembered everything. Everything. I was horrified. Maybe Victor and Dana Delany should get together; it’d be the stuff of nightmares. (Maybe Dana Delany has a character name, but someone tragically forgot to include her in this episode.) Maybe, like Victor, Mike was faking amnesia last season so he’d get to sleep with Edie.
In case you weren’t sure Mike was a drug addict, we got a nice montage of doped Delfino dry-swallowing white pill after white pill. He also pulled the classic trick of running water while phoning his drug dealer, which was something I thought sixth-grade girls did to keep their spying mom from overhearing when they were trying to talk to their boyfriend. Speaking of shameless spying, Susan saw Julie get felt up by a young man named Derek, who has a blog and some questionable piercings. She’d much rather see Julie with the college drug dealer who fell out of a J. Crew catalog, so she flaunted Julie’s headshots and state-science-fair awards and gave him permission to marry her kid. Even though she was practically soliciting a total stranger to have premarital sex with her teenage daughter, I actually felt bad for Susan. I’m a pretty harsh judge of her character, but instead of hating her, I was too busy trying to figure out when Mike started hating her. Mike moaned to Orson about all the crap he has to pay for now that he lives with Susan. Patio furniture. Julie’s class trip. The stupid baby on the way. Can’t Karl pay for the class trip? Must they absolutely have patio furniture? Should Mike get a part time job at the Scavos’ pizzeria? Can’t these two just be happy for a season? Orson wrote Mike a prescription for more pain meds, feeling guilty that he hit Mike with his car and never got around to admitting it. Julie told her mom that she saw Mike at the drug store getting his fix, and suddenly, a few piercings, unbecoming hairstyles, and X-rated blogs didn’t seem quite so bad.
NEXT: Risky sleeping arrangements