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Desperate Housewives recap: Happy Brisday

Bree sneakily circumcises her ”son” against Orson’s wishes; meanwhile, Gaby ends things with Victor; Lynette gets rid of her mother; and Susan tries to get Mike off drugs

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Desperate Housewives

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”The good news is this trip will be anything but boring.” You can say that again, Victor. Deception, murder, and mystery were in the air this week on Wisteria Lane, and nothing was quite as it seemed. Except for the untrimmed penis. That was exactly as it seemed, and according to Bree, it was unsightly. All in all, this was somewhat of a predictable outing, but Victor was right — it was certainly not boring.

Orson and Bree decided their son (or grandson, or Bree’s grandson and Orson’s stepdaughter’s son, or stepgrandson, or parenting do-over opportunity, or bundle of plot device) should get circumcised. Actually, Bree made the decision, and expected Orson to nod happily in agreement like a good whipped husband. (Don’t think he’s whipped? Did you see his Halloween costume in last week’s episode?) Orson shared his circumcision story over dinner with Mike and Susan, and no matter what may have happened between Katherine and her ex-husband, it couldn’t be nearly as disturbing as Orson’s ice-cream-outing revelation. Orson fell for the whole ”How ’bout we go get some sundaes!” ploy, which was a fast one I fell for as a child, but then again, it usually meant running some boring errands with my mom. Never traumatic impromptu surgery. Susan, of course, brought ice cream for dessert, which was bad, but not as cringe worthy as, say, pigs in a blanket.

I loved Bree the bris crasher — it was as if she were a wedding crasher, except instead of young, attractive singles, she hit on the mohel. Orson’s letter-writing campaign was equally hilarious and proved that he and Bree are perfect for each other. A completely demented, entirely dysfunctional sort of perfect, but perfect nonetheless. Orson was too quick to forgive Bree for going behind his back to get Benjamin circumcised, but as Bree said, ”It’s love that makes us a family and not blood.” I thought this was Bree’s indirect way of begging Orson not to kill her.

Not so perfect for each other were Victor and Gaby, who seemed more interested in shedding blood than in building a loving family. The two lovebirds went on a sailing trip, which was almost paradise until Victor was knockin’ on heaven’s door. Gaby, worried Victor would seek revenge, asked if maybe they could cut the trip short, because she was, um, chilly. Lynette’s sister wasn’t the only one who could have benefited from an index-card file of excuses. The trip was nothing but clear skies, smooth seas, and cracked skulls. Mayor overboard! I wouldn’t have brought the man I was cheating with to help rescue the husband I had just left for dead, but then again, I don’t condone adultery and attempted murder either. When they found Victor, he revealed that he wasn’t trying to kill Gaby. ”I wanted to see if we still had a chance.” He was trying to make their relationship work. Sorry, Victor, that ship has sailed.

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, oar to the cheekbone. The lesson? Don’t marry Gaby for the Latino vote. Don’t turn your back on her. Most important, don’t underestimate her upper-arm strength. She hit Victor overboard a second time, and he sunk into his watery grave and will never be heard from again. Ever. Especially not during sweeps. Or did he die? Carlos and Gaby searched for six hours to find him. The search for Lee’s dog lasted longer. I’ve hunted for dropped M&M’s with more intensity. Carlos and Gaby’s complete lack of remorse was troubling, but this likely isn’t the last we’ve seen of Victor. There wasn’t a body. Haven’t Gaby and Carlos ever watched television? If I wanted to kill Victor, I would have shot him, watched him die, checked for a pulse, shot him again for good measure, burned his body, and scattered his ashes in 14 different remote locations. Similarly, if I wanted to fake a pregnancy, I wouldn’t throw the damning evidence in the trash can. Secrets, politicians, and stomach padding do not stay buried for long.

NEXT: Getting rid of parents


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