The pumpkins may be rotting on your front doorstep, and the candy you’ve been pilfering from trick-or-treat bags is probably running low, but it’s not too late for an obligatory holiday-themed episode. (By the way, I’m taking over the Desperate Housewives TV Watch from Tim Stack, who has moved over to covering Nip/Tuck.) To open, we were treated to a nice montage of the residents of Wisteria Lane, hanging their appropriately festive ghosts, bats, and spider webs, and then of course there was Bob and Lee. You could hardly notice the metal eyesore they erected last week, because it looked as if Halloween had projectile-vomited all over their front yard. I tried to count the number of pumpkins they had, and my eyes started burning around 43. We were reminded yet again by Mary Alice that Bob and Lee are gay, then in case you forgot how gay they are, Bob and Lee chatted about who might be ”homo-friendly” enough to be invited to their Halloween party, because gay people always talk about being gay when they’re not being stereotypical. They invited Bree to the shindig, and then they invited her whole family, because Andrew is gay, and they love Cher, and they are gay, so enough already. Hosting a party seemed awfully neighborly of the anti-neighborly gay neighbors, but I guess any plot device that gets Andrew in drag is well worth it.
Speaking of drag, Gabrielle and Carlos were both ready to get rid of what’s been slowing them down. Gaby tried to leave Victor with a perky, I know you can’t get to the phone right now, but we’re over voice-mail, and Carlos tried to leave Edie hanging (metaphorically, not by a scarf) without a cut of his embezzled fortune. Edie threatened to blab about his off-shore bank account, but Carlos hoped she cared about him enough to keep his secrets. Gee, Carlos, that would be like betting that Edie has tact, self-respect, and a soul, and you’d be betting wrong. Edie went straight to the IRS with the insider info, and really, what Halloween episode would be complete without the IRS? Is there anything more horrifying? (Aside from Bob and Lee’s front yard.) (And pointless flashbacks.) (And possums.)
Let’s say you’re having an extramarital affair and you think your husband may be violent. Or let’s say you have an unplanned pregnancy that you’ve been hiding from your neighbors and friends for the past eight months with a story about studying in Switzerland. Tell me, is your first instinct to passionately kiss your lover or stand in all your pregnant glory in front of a giant window for the entire world to see? What is it with these characters and windows? What’s the point of keeping secrets when no one bothers to shut the blinds? Gaby and Carlos might as well rent an airplane banner ad saying, ”Reunited and it feels so good,” to fly in circles over Wisteria Lane. As for Danielle, she was practically asking to be caught with baby on board, gazing out windows and showing up at the Halloween party as Bree. Though I must say, Joy Lauren playing Danielle playing Bree was hilarious, even if it was previewed all week. I loved how Orson died laughing at his stepdaughter’s brilliant costume idea. Wait, he didn’t think it was funny? I must be imagining how Rex would have reacted. You know, Rex was more entertaining in that picture they showed of him a few weeks ago than Orson was in this entire episode. Excuse me, this entire season. ”Was there punch in that rum?” Even drunk Orson is boring.
Going with the mother-daughter costume theme, maybe instead of being some sort of bizarre elfish fairy, Julie should have dressed up as Susan. She’d have to lose 35 pounds to play the skinniest pregnant woman ever, but it might be fun if Julie gave up the blessed-child routine and behaved a little like her mother: a half-brained, bumbling idiot.
NEXT: Lynette and Susan obsess