Who can say where we’ll be in five years? I’ll tell you who. Marc Cherry. Inspired by Mary Alice’s etymology study, I did a little research of my own. Okay, fine, I Googled the meanings of some names. As it turns out, the meaning of the name Marc is ”warlike.” Rather fitting, considering the number of bombshells Cherry dropped during last night’s season finale of Desperate Housewives. In fact, this entire season has been a battle to recapture some of the spark that turned casual Sunday-night TV viewers into obsessed fans way back in the show’s first season. So did last night’s episode have spark? Better. It had spark, snark, and suspense.
What’s in a name? Well, according to Gaby, everything. ”People live up to their names,” she said, and that’s why she turned out to be a beautiful fashion model. If her name were Lynette, she’d be just another bitter, sarcastic, frumpy housewife. If her name were Francesca, she’d be getting laid on a Vespa. If her name were Gretchen, she’d be trying to squeeze a two-hour season-finale spectacular into a TV Watch under 2,000 words (and she’d be failing). Gabrielle would be shocked to learn that her name doesn’t mean ”beauty is my strength” but actually ”God is my strength.” It’s safe to assume Gaby will not be living up to her name anytime soon. But check back with her in, say, five years.
Last night Gaby wasn’t exactly the ”saint” Carlos made her out to be, but she did manage some selflessness. She helped a drug dealer escape arrest, which is about as close to godliness as you’re gonna get with her. Anything to help Ellie avoid ”the joys of a little girl-on-girl action in the prison showers,” as Roy the ”big, greasy, disgusting [fake] handyman” so eloquently put it. Of course, Gaby and Ellie’s best-friend-forever spiel ended when the two tackled each other down the stairs and knocked Carlos over before he could say, ”I don’t recognize the sound of those footsteps.” The two were fighting over something they love even more than friendship. Money. They didn’t fight long, because Ellie got tangled up in the Mayfair mystery, and once you know those secrets, the survival rate isn’t particularly high. Of all the suburban neighborhoods in America, Ellie will never forgive herself for choosing the one where she ranks low on the list of intimidating criminals.
Lynette Scavo, or ”the pretty one,” has spent an entire season confronting the not so beautiful truths of life. She’d be the first to tell you that the Beatles got it wrong; you need more than love to be a good wife and mother. It takes work. In other words, if you want a faithful partner by your side while you stare down disease and disaster, if you want to take a swig of coffee from the ”World’s Greatest Mother” mug, then you gotta earn it. The Scavos have worked harder than any other couple on the block to keep their marriage and their family together. When I told Tom that it was a ridiculous idea to open a pizzeria and that he should let Lynette go off with her side dish Rick, did he listen? No. When I told Lynette that she should bolt with her kids and leave her oblivious husband to deal with his spawn of evil, did she bail out? Of course not. Granted, Lynette and Tom couldn’t hear me. But that never stopped Mary Alice from yammering on, did it?
NEXT: Tom sees the truth