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Desperate Housewives recap: Present Danger

As Mother’s Day gifts, Susan gets a visit from Mike’s meddling mother and an early delivery; Lynette gets threats from Kayla; and Bree gets blackmailed by Edie

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Desperate Housewives

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It was Mother’s Day last night on Desperate Housewives. Andrew got his mom flowers. The Scavo kids got their mom a turtle. Dylan got her mom a card. All nice gifts, sure. But I’ll be taking those flowers from Bree; she’ll get them back when she lets Orson see his own son. (And Benjamin is his son, related by blood or not, and shame on Bree for suggesting otherwise.) I’d recommend that Lynette give the turtle Kayla’s room, so that Kayla can move into the turtle’s home: a sealed glass cage. Dylan owes her mom more than a card for all the crap she’s put Katherine through this year, even if Katherine isn’t her real mother. And as for Susan, she became a mother again with the birth of some club soda, ice cubes, a lemon wedge, and a beautiful baby boy.

Mama Delfino arrived to finally meet her nude, snoring whore of a daughter-in-law, and for Susan, the tornado was less catastrophic. I guess we know who Adele blames for her son’s drug habit. Someone once said that men marry their mothers, yet clearly that someone never had the opportunity to meet Adele and Susan. Hanging out with Adele seems about as much fun as sleeping on marbles and washing walls.

When Susan annoys me, I moan about it in a TV Watch. When Susan bugs Mike, he picks up the phone and whines to his mama. ”Ma, I’ve been craving your homemade biscuits for weeks. The missus can’t cook, probably couldn’t even follow the three steps on the back of a frozen dinner. Come visit as soon as you can, I’m starved!” ”Ma, I can’t talk, I’m exhausted. I’ve been unclogging toilets all day. I hope Susan remembered to order takeout. Somewhere not too pricey, since money’s tight. Sure hope she sells one of her doodles soon.” ”Ma, I know I shouldn’t complain, but Susan’s friends are always trying to kill me.” I guess it’s important for Mike to have a sounding board when his wife grates on his nerves, but during their phone conversations, how exactly did they broach the topic of Susan’s nude sleeping habits? ”Ma, I know I told you I was cold at night, but Susan won’t let me use the extra comforter you sent. I don’t understand why she’s so hot. I mean, she sleeps naked. Maybe she gets heated up from all the wild, crazy sex we have. Can’t wait for you to visit! Don’t forget to bring the scrapbook with the recipes!”

Sure, the mother-in-law from hell has been done a million times before, but it was still entertaining to see Susan: helpless homemaker. She’ll never make biscuits from scratch, and you’d never be able to see your reflection in her bathroom tile, but that’s the reason Susan has friends like Bree. Bree would happily do all of that for her, without calling her a whore. It certainly wouldn’t have killed Mike to stand up to his mother and defend Susan. After all, she stuck by him through drug rehab, so you’d think Mike would be able to weather some heavy snoring.

If Susan’s wood sawing was keeping Mike awake, just wait until they bring the new baby home. ”This one feels like a crier,” exclaimed Susan, who went into fake labor to escape lunch. Fake labor became real labor, and then, wham, Susan was holding her newborn son. I had feared that one hour of next week’s two-hour season finale would be a drawn-out, unrealistic birth scene. Instead, we got a beautiful shot of Susan and her newborn son. It might be the only thing to happen on Desperate Housewives that went relatively smoothly, and that was fine by me.

NEXT: Drug-dealer marital therapy

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