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Desperate Housewives recap: Home Invasions

Gaby rents a room to a drug dealer, Dylan invites her violent dad into her house, and Lynette and Tom see Kayla’s dark side

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Desperate Housewives

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Wayne was creepy, and Edie was conniving, but my God, Kayla must have fallen straight out of The Village of the Damned. Wisteria Lane has had its fair share of wack jobs, but after this episode of Desperate Housewives, Kayla Scavo takes the cake. She might be the smartest, most sinister villain this show has ever seen, and she’s only, what, 13? Kudos to Rachel Fox. As long as I’m giving out awards, Karl wins the title of worst ex-husband; Preston gets a gold star for most creative use of an umbrella; and Lee and Bob get honorable mentions for best appearances by characters I never thought I’d see again. It was close, but they lost. Congratulations to…Toby, the cat! As for the title of housewife with the most dysfunctional home, it’s still too close to call.

At the Scavos’, Zip and Zap were learning a little bit about crime and punishment. A dose of boot camp and bad acting for the red-headed duo. But you can’t blame them for their shortcomings — they’re just young boys, which was Lynette’s argument for why they didn’t need therapy. Actually, I thought therapy was an excellent idea. Not just for the twins but also for Lynette and Tom. Heck, it wouldn’t hurt the whole fam to go stare at some Rorschach ink blots until they started sharing feelings. Infidelity. Natural disaster. Arson. Disease. Murder. Mommy issues. Daddy issues. They could make one lucky therapist a millionaire. Even if Kayla hadn’t egged them on, the twins could have easily learned their destructive behavior from their own father. Hey, Tom, let he who is without sin cast the first brick (through thy neighbor’s restaurant window). Tom should have been doing lawn work right alongside his sons.

But as it turned out, Daft and Dim-witted hadn’t acted alone. Their original plan had some kinks — they needed to find dynamite, set a trap for Rick, and then blow him up. Kayla had a much more effective plan that wasn’t inspired by Wile E. Coyote. ”No one has dynamite in their house,” Kayla told Lynette. (Sure about that Kayla? Considering the people living on the block…) ”But everyone has matches.” She grinned. Lynette’s reaction mirrored my own; she was justifiably horrified. Goodbye, Miley Cyrus; hello, Damien Thorn.

As Lynette pointed out, there are no books on disciplining children who’ve committed arson. (She’s right. There aren’t. My mom looked for some when my brother set the house on fire.) But there must be a few books about setting a good example for your children, illegitimate children included. Lynette and Tom should sit down and read these books. Or just watch a few episodes of Sesame Street with Penny. This way they’d learn that honesty is the best policy. Kayla was right, even if she was just being a scheming, blackmailing little brat so she’d get out of therapy: ”If I have to talk to the shrink, I have to talk to the cops.” Kayla may have persuaded Preston to jump off the roof, but Lynette might as well have jumped off right behind her son when she let Kayla start calling the shots. I guess we know who controls the Scavo household, and it’s one scary tween who probably started the fire by shooting laser beams of evil from her cold blue eyes.

NEXT: Edie takes in Orson

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