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''Desperate Housewives'': Mike starts to remember

On ”Desperate Housewives,” Mike recovers memories of the night of Monique Pollier’s death; plus, Orson confronts his mother and Alma

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James Denton, Desperate Housewives

Desperate Housewives

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”Desperate Housewives”: Mike starts to remember

This was supposed to be Mike’s big-reveal episode, or so my DVR’s synopsis led me to believe. I love how those descriptions always involve just one character and they’re always somewhat misleading. I’d envisioned these long and intense flashbacks of Mike romping around the Eagle State getting into all sorts of complicated trouble, but what we mostly got was more of the same: Mike lying there and occasionally opening his eyes for dramatic effect. Hey, I’ll take it! Tell me about Monique Pollier!

Here’s what we learned: On the night Monique died, she was drunk, wearing little-boy briefs, and very much ”in the mood,” unless it was an act. Mike was her plumber; his phone number was scrawled on her arm in Magic Marker, because she was out of normal-person pens and also drunk. Did I mention she was drunk? She did, thrice. So Mike showed up at her house, late, to plumb something. This is curious in itself, right? I mean, it really did seem very late. Even Mike looked what I think was meant to be surprised. Could this be like in The Fountainhead, when Dominique destroyed her own expensive mantel so that Howard Roark the manual laborer had to return at a later date with the correct new part from the rock quarry? Hmmm…I know I’m being ridiculous, but hear me out: Maybe Monique was in on some sort of plan with Orson, perhaps to kill Alma (who Orson knew would be nearby, stalking him), and somehow the wrong person died. Either way, Orson and his redheaded co-conspirator would want to frame the wrench-toting Mike as the killer….

In Mike’s recollection, when he returned to Monique’s with the part for her sink, Orson was there, wearing his favorite type of yellow dishwashing gloves. Orson quickly paid Mike to leave, but not before returning his wrench, which he’d taken the liberty of dipping directly into Monique’s blood. So we know Orson was involved — if not in Monique’s murder, then in the planning and/or cover-up of said murder. We still don’t know what ”the whole coven” — Gloria and Alma — had to do with Monique’s death, but whatever they did, it was severe enough to spark a major rift between Alma and Gloria as soon as Alma hinted that maybe her allegiance to Orson would falter if he continued to ignore her.

Even though they’re so batty it’s become campy, I’m always glad to see any scene with Gloria and Alma, but I still can’t bring myself to care about Susan and Ian, especially when she wears such stupid hats to funerals. And Gaby? With Zach, in any context (specifically, and horrifically, the home-furnishings department of Macy’s)? Just, no. Why must this go on? Was there some massive campaign to bring back Zach that I completely missed? I don’t know why he’s still here. All that time Gaby spends with him just separates her from the rest of the women — each of whom has an entirely different subplot right now. Case in point: We’re to believe that no one acknowledged Gaby’s birthday other than Zach? No way. At the very least, Carlos would’ve been over on that porch with a cooler full of canned beer before you could say ”Stop harping on being over 30 because if this was a more well-thought-out episode, your best friends would be around to hear you complain, and I don’t think they’d be as sympathetic as the horny Monkee.”

Oh, but Gloria and Alma. I enjoy them. Dixie Carter affects this slightly amused yet unsurprised air in reaction to everything, including this great line from Orson: ”Hats off, mother, for colluding in my rape. I think it’s great we can still surprise each other.” I love how eerie yet placid all of their interactions are. And it’s great to see Mama Hodge following in Betty Applewhite’s footsteps by taking a prisoner in her own home. I bet the rooms that haven’t been used as detention chambers yet are jealous of the chosen rooms. Calm down, hall closet — everyone will get a turn!

When lust for everyone’s favorite pouch of teeth got the better of her, Bree fell off a ladder. She has a mild concussion, which can translate in the real world to ”months of bed rest.” The question is, who sabotaged the ladder — Orson? The coven? It was nice to see Andrew want to protect his mom and stand up against Orson. No more sitting around using electronic devices for this teen — the boy will use his ”Bad Andrew” self when need be. He’s also fabulously mediocre with a mop. Compared to ”hot” Austin — whom Tom thinks will save his business by looking aloof and forgetting where he is, thus reeling in loads of female customers — Andrew is the model employee. I’m looking forward to Lynette’s interactions with the teens. Maybe next time Austin can share his stash. They’re already near the munchies. And hey — coupons!

Lest I forget, all the action shots this week have prompted me to initiate the Desperate Housewives Hustle Award, distributed in recognition of high physical comedy and/or actual quickness. Susan’s fence hurdling would have won one for her in the past, but this week it’s not her — as much as we all expected her to tumble face-first into Jane’s coffin, it didn’t happen. The winner is Orson! I loved how in order to somewhat complicate his chase-for-the-sake-of-a-chase with Mike, Kyle MacLachlan leaped majestically up onto a higher plane and traveled through space that way, on top of cars! It was awesome. Now, at this very moment and all through the week, Orson is suspended in midair, halfway down a tall building. It’s speculation time.

What do you think? Will Orson go splat, worse than Bree? Who else wants to see more Carlos? If you were a teenager starting work and witnessed Tom and Lynette’s ”performance,” wouldn’t you just quit? And when will the women start interacting again, because that can be really fun?