Welcome back to the ballroom! Week 6 was “Rock and Roll Night” on [cue disembodied British voice] Dancing With the Stars. The heavy metal “DWTS” lettering on the judges’ table and elsewhere — a striking hybrid between the fonts typically associated with Darkwing Duck and KISS — proved it. Someone had overlaid a piece of graph paper onto the ballroom so that much of the audience was grouped into blue steel cages that resembled either Hollywood Squares or jail cells, depending on your worldview. (“Cell Block Tango,” anyone?) Duh, it was a rock concert! I wonder how the producers roped in all of those young people to show up and bounce around in prison all night. I hope they were paid in gems instead of cash. Decoys, all of them!
Each couple performed a paso doble or a tango, then later participated in a hard-rockin’ “dance marathon” that was all about stamina and “youthness,” according to Worm-doing Mark. The marathon was really quite crazily (pre-)judged: Brandy and Maks won the race, even though whenever the camera was on them, Maks seemed to be hurling Brandy over his shoulder like a sack of overgrown gems rejected from the Mirrorballus mine. Kurt and Anna, eliminated within seconds, may as well have remained seated. “There’s Kurt getting his rock on…oops, not enough, apparently,” murmured Tom in his golf announcer voice. Let’s get to the all-important judges’ leaderboard…
Will the judges please reveal their scores? Carrie Ann In-ahhh-ber!
Brandy and Maksim Chmerkovskiy: 26/30 plus 10/10 in the dance marathon = 36 out of possible 40 I definitely had to rewind their tango and watch it again because the first time I was completely transfixed on Maks’ buns, holding out for a hero sandwich composed of his unique assets. Sorry, but what was I supposed to do? He had random thigh bracelets (two on the left, puzzlingly) and some extremely tight grey leather pants. (Read/see much, much more about Maks’ leather pants in Annie’s Week 6 Crazy Costumes Gallery!) Turns out it was an excellent tango. “Is she Brandy or is she Tina Turner in Mad Max?” asked Bruno. We may never know. I thought Brandy was about to have a nervy b after the dance. I guess she was just tired?
Audrina Patridge and Tony Dovolani: 24/30 + 8/10 = 32/40 “The reason Bruno may have picked on you is you may be thinking too much,” Tony explained to his glassy-eyed partner. UNLIKELY, but I did like how this conflict resolved itself with Audrina eventually punching a plastic Bruno mask (that I really need for my office). “My boobs are in the way,” the sweet, wholesome girl complained as she practiced the paso doble. The dance was competent, but the judges’ frustration came out. DNCMSTR lamented that Audrina has top-three potential but cannot show the character of the Latin dances. Bruno had a remedy: She should simply imagine she is anyone with the first name “Eva.” Carrie Ann offered a really good note about intention and hilariously prefaced it, “Let me put it in a way that you might understand.”
NEXT: Jay Manuel, Martha Stewart, and Adam Lambert! Wait, which reality show are we watching again?