Welcome back to the ballroom — it’s the critical halfway point of the season! Week 5 was ‘TV Theme Week” on [cue disembodied British voice] Dancing With the Stars. The horror! Remember when this show used to at least pretend to be about ballroom dancing? I have no idea why they’re insisting on these dreadful theme weeks. What I do know, thanks to Twitter, is that the artist formerly known as Tom Bergeron has taken on a new identity: Prince Sparkle!
I’m not gonna put you through any more useless filler — the 30 minutes you endured at the top of tonight’s show was enough. Let’s get right to the all-important JUDGES’ LEADERBOARD…
Will the judges please reveal their scores? Carrie Ann In-ahhh-ber!
Brandy and Maksim Chmerkovskiy: 27 out of possible 30 “Are you there for me?” Brandy asked Maks upon learning they’d be dancing a quickstep to the theme from Friends. “Not often…I’m just kidding!” said The Boy With the Giant Lollipop. (He wasn’t.) Brandy’s ability to keep her upper body calm and her lower half fast and furious really impressed Len. Bruno was counting along with such fervor that he broke his pen! “You’re up a whole ‘nother level now,” said Carrie Ann, possibly in reference to Maks’ outrageous hair. Was anyone else aiming a Chandler Bing-esque “Quick! Trade lives with me!” toward the woman seated in the front row beside Maks?
Jennifer Grey and Derek Hough: 25/30 This week’s foxtrot was “not complacent, but definitely a bit more chilled out,” according to brunet Derek. Even their costumes were muted — they both looked so earth-toned that I had trouble remembering they were supposed to be on Planet Mirrorballus! You know it’s a mediocre week when Jamie Lee Curtis isn’t hootin’ and hollerin’ after the music ends. Eyeglasses and a closed mouth? Dead giveaway! Of course, their version of mediocre still garnered Jen and Derek a 9 (from Bruno). I have to admit that during the pair’s dramatic blowout during rehearsal footage, I was irrationally intent on the bizarre framed Candy Land stepping stones that peppered the studio’s walls. They’re just framing colors now? Did they run out of glamour shots of the judges? Need I remind the set decorators that Bruno has had a long career wearing speedos in Elton John videos? What? You don’t think this is relevant? So I have to bottle everything in, until I explode all at once?
NEXT: Audrina shows zero emotion. (Nope, this isn’t a repeat of my last four recaps.)