Welcome back to Dancing With the Stars — or, as Margaret Cho put it, “the gayest thing that ever happened.” Week 3 was Story Night! Naturally, this meant that kissing, stripping, and coming up with ridiculous plots to accompany a samba, foxtrot, or waltz were practically required.
As if to justify Bruno’s “worst jive in 11 seasons” comment to Michael Bolton last week, the judges were sure to lay on the serious dance criticism pretty thick. DNCMSTR Len Goodman called Kyle Massey’s footwork “atrocious” and the technique in Florence Henderson’s feet “nonexistent,” then claimed that if The Situation were dancing in his backyard, he’d “have to draw the curtains.” Who’s the mean judge now? More important: What typically goes on in Len’s backyard?
With scheduled guest Susan Boyle unable to make it to Tuesday night’s results show, Michael Bolton will hang up his vendetta against judge Bruno Tonioli just in time to return to the ballroom and sing. Will he and Bruno exchange words? I’m on pins and needles sitting here in suspense! (Just kidding, that was from Thursday, when I’d temporarily changed my name from Annie Barrett to MICHAEL MIFFED!) But enough about me. Let’s get to the JUDGES’ LEADERBOARD for the week 3 performances.
Will the judges please reveal their scores? Carrie Ann In-ahhh-ber!
Audrina Patridge and Tony Dovolani: 26/30 Audrina earned the first 9 of the season — two of ’em! I’d have given them two 10s merely based on the way Audrina’s sequined corset made the war portrait of Soldier Tony twinkle. Props to the props department for Story Week! Tony taught Audrina to dance with her heart during their waltz, but I wasn’t quite as convinced as the judges of her sudden ability to emote. Their routine was technically beautiful, but I thought Audrina’s finely whipped hair told a more vivid story than her face. The ballroom version of Miss Teen South Carolina went a little “The Iraq” there at the end with her pageant response to Brooke, but that’s okay. I’m sure the families of our troops are over the moon (full of cheese) that Audrina dedicated her week 3 Dancing With the Stars waltz to their honor. It’s the thought that counts.
(P.S. I would have appreciated a longer segment — deep-fried in oil, wrapped in commercials — about Tony’s wax job.)
Brandy and Maksim Chmerkovskiy: 24/30 Brandy complained about how last week’s editing made her out to be a diva, so this week the editors flipped the crystal-studded tables completely and made Maks out to be a sexist pig intent on smacking Brandy’s ass any chance he could get! And fine, maybe he is, but I honestly doubt that Maks is the only pro who occasionally swats his partner on the upper thigh while trying to teach her the samba. HAS LEN EVER EVEN BEEN TO RIO? I don’t know…the butt-swatting didn’t strike me as inappropriate for a ballroom dance trainer until DNCMSTR made it into a big deal. But if Brandy doesn’t like it, then Maks shouldn’t do it. Neither partner came off well here, but the judges couldn’t deny that the samba itself was technically sharp. As crazy as a skirt made out of a giant spool of red curling ribbon (just like Erin’s from last season), but sharp. Bruno requested that Brandy come back “an even bigger diva than you are.” Are we sure that’s wise?
NEXT: Ballroom dance instructor by day, bar-room stripper by night.