Week 7 on Dancing With the Stars was a shrunken-headed 90-minute episode more concerned with Halloween than it was with dancing. This likely annoyed many of you rational beings, but it was fine with me as I am a spineless sucker for sequined spectacle. I became fascinated by the blink-and-you’d-miss-’em spiders on the LCD screens behind Tom and the couples after they danced, to the point at which I was likening them to the ghosts in Super Mario World who would dart away whenever you stared at them directly, but if you kept your back to them long enough, they would inevitably lurk around. I’d like to believe that those spiders were our exclusive first look at Super Mirrorballio World, coming soon to Wii.
Oh, god, am I gonna have to buy a Wii?
My favorite little detail was that the faceless British announcer said “Dead, from Hollywood!” to open the show, and then instead of “LIVE” in the upper right corner it said “DEAD.” Unreal! This was literally an alternate universe — and Planet Mirrorballus is already operating on its own plane of consciousness, so the Monster Ballroom was pretty much as far-removed from reality as you could get.
At one point there was a huge CGI tarantula behind “Tom Boooooooogeron” (which I think he drew out like that because otherwise it would have the word ‘booger’ in it), not to mention a camera man with a Jason mask, random skeletons all over the place, and two enormous flickering jack-o’-lanterns that appeared to be laughing mercilessly at everyone’s dances. The “Scarold” Wheeler Orchestra was composed entirely of zombies! All that and it only took 8 minutes for Bruno Tonioli to call Carrie Ann Inaba a “naughty little p—y.” What a show.
I sure could have used an over-the-top exhibition from Our Pros and the trick-or-troupe before the first celeb performance! But here they are….
Will the judges please reveal their scores? Carrie Ann Inahhhhhh-ber!
Ricki Lake and Derek Hough: 27/30 paso doble + 26/30 team paso = 53 out of possible 60 Wow, that’s a big word/number jumble. Long story short: They’re in the lead again after captaining the winning Team Paso and performing a Red Riding Hood paso doble that displayed beautiful “shaping” according to DANCMSTR and Carrie Ann. Len got so fired up by his own paso commentary that he de-aged 20 years! You never know what can happen on dead TV.
NEXT: You couldn’t even tell she was in severe pain!