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Dancing with the Stars recap: Freestyle for the Silver Metal

Rob, Ricki, and J.R. all covet season 13’s itinerant trophy. May the best lifters win!

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Dancing With the Stars

TV Show
Reality TV
run date:
Tom Bergeron, Carrie Ann Inaba, Bruno Tonioli, Len Goodman, Erin Andrews, Julianne Hough
Current Status:
In Season

So much had changed since the semifinals of Dancing With the Stars season 13. I wasn’t there, for one thing. Kirstie Alley, Maks, Val, and Hope Solo occupied the front row (in that order). The show was only an hour — god forbid! And most significant of all: The COVETED MIRRORBALL TROPHY had moved from its perch up on Brookebot Mountain to its two-nights-only spot at the foot of the judges’ table. Risky prize placement, I say. It would take only one unchecked lunge/lurch session by Bruce Jenner during a commercial break for our coveted MBT to have gone mysteriously missing.

I like to picture the mirrorball trophy migration happening overnight Sunday to Monday. It’s about an eight-hour process, taking place when all the Sparkaliens are sleeping. As soon as It is sure no one is watching — like the night janitor or Corky Ballas — the MBT begins its journey, skimming the surface of Planet Mirrorballus ever so slowly, like the game piece of a Ouija Board. It is powered only by intrinsic duty, dust on the floor, and a last-ditch desire to see more of this sparkly orb for which It has been named and in whose likeness It has been cheaply manufactured. The Talking Heads’ “Once in a Lifetime” faintly emits from the MBT’s core, which turns out to just be a CD player.

My God! What have I done? Have I disgraced Our Idol? Let’s get to the scores before I fall down this rabbit hole any farther.

Will the judges please reveal their scores? Carrie Ann Inahhhhhh-ber!

Rob Kardashian and Cheryl Burke: 27/30 + 30/30 = 57 out of possible 60 The judges want Rob to win the competition, but in a way he’s achieved an entirely different type of victory, having been told by Bruno Tonioli (during Bruno’s rehearsal visit) that he, Rob, was “demented.” Our “Cinder-fella” has come a long way since arriving on the planet having not yet figured out that all he needed to do was smile and act really really into all this cheesy ballroom stuff and remember to shout “Rio!” every few hours, with feeling.

I must admit Rob has won me over as his own person; the Kardashian factor has no effect on me. Rob is a good DWTS contestant! Yeah I said it! He didn’t get to do many of those exaggerated hand twists (by which I’m so easily impressed for some reason) in his and Cheryl’s first routine, the waltz, but he did act as a strongish leading man for his partner’s long pink feathery gown. I liked when he clutched her from behind and ran backward as she tried her very best to look serene.

NEXT: Carrie Ann is blowwwwwwwwwwn away, as is my ‘w’ key, now