The week 5 theme on Dancing With the Stars was “America Night,” which provided us DANCMSTRs with a lovely excuse to both honor our patriots and celebrate the national treasure that is Maksim Chmerkovskiy’s ass. (Thanks a lot, Ukraine!) After last week’s elegant Classical Night, this was a visual feast of excess and overstatement — ain’t that the American/DWTS way? The digital red-white-and-blue balloons on the columns, Mt. Rushmore with the judges’ faces in the Celebriquarium, “D-W-T-S” spelled out in hot dogs, Len Goodman sitting above (and personifying) the Bald Eagle of the Ballroom — I barely knew where to look! Spoiler alert: I mostly looked at Maks.
Will the judges’ glitterball abacus please reveal their scores? Carrie Ann Inahhhh-ber!
Hines Ward and Kym Johnson: 27 out of possible 30 This couple happens to also be winning the phantom “most judges points so far” competition — so for all the “no clear front runner” talk of last night’s show, there is that. Hindquarters and Kym danced a rumba to everyone’s favorite romantic musical number, “Proud to be an American.” He was an officer and a gentleman; she was a Snuffleupagus who had nearly drowned in Wite-Out. The fringe on this woman! I definitely had to rewind the dance to notice the best hip action Carrie Ann’s seen in “a looooooooong time,” because all I could focus on during my initial viewing was the way Kym’s extra-long fringe became so horizontal at times that it matched the angle of the brim of Officer Hindquarters’ hat. Kym looked shocked that Len called this their best dance yet. She was probably still a bit jealous of Hindquarters’ pillow.
Chris Jericho and Cheryl Burke: 26/30 Their Viennese waltz — or, rather, Cheryl’s ridiculously low-cut red costume — provided us with the first and most prominent Shockingly Sexy Comment of the Night (SSCN) from the DANCMSTR. “So nice to see Cheryl showing off the Rocky Mountains there,” Len noted. So nice to see a Brit showing off his vast knowledge of United States topography! God shed His grace on Cheryl’s deep V, indeed. “I feel violated,” Cheryl murmured, which is hilarious when you consider how no one would bat even one glitter-caked eyelash if Bruno had said the same thing. Anyway, I liked Cheryl’s interpretation of “America the Beautiful” here — the little hand flicks on the lilt of the word “waves” and the rush of the majestic run/drag across the floor during “Amerrrrrrrica.” The pyro chambers on the platform approved, too — both of them shot sparks after C&C’s final pose. Lesson learned: When you feel like you’re gonna puke, and Cheryl Burke asks “Wanna take a break?” — the answer is no.
NEXT: Chelsie and Mark nearly get EW.com’s Fringe Fairy kicked out of her apartment