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Dancing with the Stars recap: While My Lifeguard Gently Weeps

It’s a full-fledged Situation in the ballroom, as the season’s first elimination is a shocker!

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Dancing Stars Situation Aud
Adam Larkey/ABC

Dancing With the Stars

TV Show
Reality TV
run date:
Tom Bergeron, Carrie Ann Inaba, Bruno Tonioli, Len Goodman, Erin Andrews, Julianne Hough
Current Status:
In Season

What?!? Come on! I can’t believe The Hoff is going home. I know his Star has significantly dimmed, something called The Situation is more famous than him, and he’s a generally silly piece of work. But I’m shocked. Think of the context here. I feel like David Hasselhoff was exactly as ridiculous as Dancing With the Stars. So how could he have gotten the boot?

I don’t know howwww…you were inverted. No one alerted you….

Oh, well! I’m over it.

But Carrie Ann wasn’t! I liked her grave reaction to Hasselhoff’s elimination, maybe something along the lines of “America got this wrong! Michael Bolton should have left, and we wouldn’t miss a thing!” But it was probably something about how hot Rick Fox is. I’m with Margaret Cho: That man looks like he’s made of some delicious toffee!

That filler segment about OUR PROS FEELING THE HEAT seemed to set us up for a possible Brandy elimination, which also would have provided the shock Tom and Brooke had promised. Maks boldly claimed, “If I go home first, I will take full responsibility for not being good enough for this show.” He would never have been able to show his sweet cheeks (both sets) in the ballroom again. The horror!

At least Florence Henderson gets to stay. Holy hell is that woman in it to win it. “I must come back, Brooke,” she pleaded backstage. “It’s like someone injects you with some kind of joy and energy. It’s wonderful here.” She’s a full-blown Sparkalien who needs her fix. I’m not sure there’s been a bigger instant DWTS junkie since Steve Guttenberg. Florence has so fully assimilated into the atmosphere of Planet Mirrorballus that I would not be surprised if her eyeballs are actually enormous gems. It normally takes at least three weeks for the body to accept the eye-to-gem transplant without risk of rejection. Florence is ahead of the pack!

Good musical guests tonight. (Or, as my ballroom-wary music-snob pal texted me at the top of the show: “Et tu, Santana?”) The guitar legend struck a chord three times — first solo, then with india.arie, and finally with Chris Daughtry. “Oye Como Va” thrilled me to no end, especially the men’s collective butt-shake and the hidden gem of Maks “drumming” Cheryl’s chest at the end. I especially geeked out during the “glimpse of backstage” sequence that opened the episode. Please do that before every results show! You’ve got an hour to fill, you know. Tom knows.

Next: A Dancing With the Stars Museum — think about it!