‘Dancing With the Stars’ recap: New dance sensations
On week 4 of Dancing With the Stars season 9, each of the 11 remaining couples performed one of four brand-new dances: the Bolero, the Charleston, the country two-step, and the Lambada, forbidden dance of love. Of course, we had no idea what we were watching. No explanation re: the unfamiliar dances from DANCMSTR, no 15-second demo from two eliminated pros who have nothing better to do than haunt the House of a Thousand Colors, not even a complicated sexual organs-laced metaphor for what the Lambada is or once was or might be from Bruno. NOTHING. They couldn’t have even thrown us a bone in the form of this crappy movie trailer? Honestly?
Okay, I’m done bitching — frankly, you and I both know we’ll probably be able to follow along with the season without ever learning the difference between ”the Bolero” and ”a bolero.” One is a mysterious slow-tempo Latin dance; the other is a cropped jacket draped over Maks’ bare chest that rightly qualifies as a complete costume. Without any further DeLay, let’s get to everyone’s favorite measure of earthly success: The Judges’ Leader Board!
Melissa Joan Hart and Mark Ballas: 28 out of possible 30 Did a brief black-and-white section at the beginning of their dance stun Bruno into submission and force him to award Melissa a near-inexplicable 10? We’ll never know. Mark and Melissa’s fun Charleston, full of fast side-by-side footwork, lots of squatting/plié movements, and ample opportunities for him to carry her as she wiggled her legs, was the perfect outlet for Melissa’s strength: hyper-enthusiastic campy kitsch. Honestly, it was fun — I kept thinking maybe she should close her mouth but, you know, nature of the dance and all. Couldn’t tell what was going on with Mark’s mouth, due to mustache. I thought Melissa had a bit of a Blossom moment as she danced solo while Mark played the piano in a ”1920s club” devoid of other humans. ’90s TV throwback!
Mya and Dmitry Chaplin: 28/30 First of all, I love that Mya wore what looked like a Dancing With the Stars costume during rehearsal. For some reason that black dress with a crazy neon geometric overlay just screamed ‘Lambada practice!’ in my head. We all have different voices in our heads. If she has any common sense whatsoever, Mya might want to stifle the one in hers that keeps telling her it’s cool to challenge her pro’s choreography. It really isn’t. Why would she want to make the dance easier, anyway? I suspected once or twice that she wanted to tweak the game plan just because she didn’t approve of what she perceived as unflattering body angles in the mirror. This was almost as lame as the 20 pounds of orange makeup and thick layer of Turtle Wax Super Hard Shell Car Wax that glossed Mya’s legs for her and Dmitry’s special joint-effort Lambada. The dance itself went smoothly, as usual, and she scored two 10s, but it remains to be seen what Mya needs to do to get a DANCMSTR 10. ”Simply make it past week 4” would be my guess.
Joanna Krupa and Derek Hough: 26/30 Joanna strikes me as a complete mess when she’s ”dancing” on her own, but whenever Derek’s guiding and/or grinding on her, I have to admit Miss Fish Lips pulls it off. The couple somehow incorporated the judges’ table without pissing off DANCMSTR, convinced me they were on a beach instead of a dance floor, reached a new Dance Floor Simulated Sex climax for the series, and managed to pull off blinding-chartreuse costumes despite both having blonde hair. All this, and they even took time out of rehearsal to share bathing duties of a canine named Conrad (last name not ”Green,” I presume) and lounge outside a storefront in canvas chairs begging passersby to adopt other dogs. Keep in mind that I’m not positive of any of the above contents of this paragraph, because those costumes did burn my retinas. I do know that Tom Bergeron stole this segment with his ad-lib to Carrie Ann’s comment that she hoped the kids were in bed: ”I bet some of the adults are now!”
NEXT: Nobody likes you, Aaron