‘Dancing With the Stars’ recap: Latin kings and queens
I suppose the only way to follow last week’s Bizarro World installment of Dancing With the Stars was with an unfathomably awkward performance night only a true fan could appreciate. And isn’t that why we’re all here? Welcome back, DANCMSTRs one and all. Last night, Donny Osmond accepted Bruno Tonioli’s invitation to turn himself over to ”the dark side,” by running up to the judges’ table and planting multiple over-the-top smooches on the beaming wedge of imported Italian formaggio. Donny complained/rejoiced: ”I don’t think they’re going to let me back into Utah anymore!” Really? For double-dipping a flamboyant Rowdy With a Chance of Meatballs muppet on national TV? Try harder, Donny.
In an effort to add to the red alert of discomfort, special guest Paula Abdul told Tom Bergeron she’d been having a gay old time at the DWTS live show until he had approached her with a microphone. Paula then suggested she and Carrie Ann Inaba should make out. Later, Tom DeLay made the difficult decision to risk the future functionality of both of his feet in the name of canned patriotism, an inexplicable commitment to the televised ballroom, and love…of sequined zoology. Meanwhile, DANCMSTR had returned from Londontown, and was being so not-prickly for a few seconds that Tom Bergeron asked him if he’d been to ”Marshmallow Camp.” I totally wish that existed. A camp. For marshmallows! They’d just be waddling around saying pleasant things and roasting in the sun. I must stop; there are important iiJudges’ Leader Board!! rankings to report. Here we go….
Mya and Dmitry Chaplin: 27 out of possible 30 Thanks to the ”mesmerizing fluidity” of their rumba, and perhaps Dmitry’s sheer black deep-V shirt, Mya and Dmitry earned the first 10s of the season from Carrie Ann and Bruno. DANCMSTR balked that ”it was too grand with trick after trick” (read: ”stop showing off,”) and gave them a 7. After the dance, Bruno told Mya, ”You put all of America in the mood for love. No price is too high for you.” So she’s a high-priced hooker for America? If we have the cash, do we get to join Mya in her fantasy chemistry-generating suite featuring rose petals, cheesy red and pink backdrops, and candles?
Natalie Coughlin and Alec Mazo: 26/30 Alec’s wife, Lady Legwarmer, joined the couple during rehearsal to show Natalie how to make eye contact with Alec. ”Look at him. Look at him,” Edyta purred, approvingly, before encouraging Natalie to ”go all out” with her husband. I have no idea why a smoke machine was necessary for a rumba, but I kind of dug the special effects, particularly the dimming of the lights as Natalie lowered into a half-splits near the beginning of the song. What else was in the air last night? FULL SPLITS! This was easily my favorite ”finish” of the season so far. Natalie’s shyness added a quality to the rumba that we usually don’t see with the Stars — I felt like she and Alec danced it the way Karina attempted to explain it to Aaron: there’s no audience and it’s just two people (+ the spirit of Edyta) in a private bubble.
Joanna Krupa and Derek Hough: 23/30 ”I almost fell on the rope swing,” Derek complained to Samantha backstage after his and Joanna’s samba. Oh, how awful. Question: Why the heck did he need to swing in on a rope? Was he scavenging rare-earth elements from row 6 of the audience? I can’t believe DANCMSTR didn’t ‘5’ him for this instance of messin’ about. Then again, Derek did include DANCMSTR’s favorite move, the stationary samba roll, six times. Carrie Ann called them out for ”a few little thingies,” which was very helpful, and said Joanna was ”fearless” in her sexiness. I would also call Joanna’s lips ”fearless” in their attempt to completely dominate her tiny head.
NEXT: Donnie goes the extra mile…commence the innuendoes