Are you ready, DANCMSTRs? It’s the moment we’ve all been waiting for! The big news from the finale…is…that Miss Piggy wrestled Samantha Harris for the spotlight and took her down! Samantha’s fall was swift; her legacy, epic. Her replacement is made of felt. Oh, also: Donny Osmond is the winner of season 9 of Dancing With the Stars!
Sidenote: Does anyone else ”suffer” from DWTS Theme Song Syndrome? Every time I hear ”Dancing With the Stars” out loud — which, as you can imagine, happens often in the office, and usually in my vicinity — I immediately repeat the title in my head but in the voice of Tom Bergeron right before each week’s opening credits. ”Liiiiiive…THIS is Dancinnnng WITH the Starzzzz.” Dun-dun! (Just like Law & Order, another intelligent TV series.) And then the entire song kicks in, and I’m just sitting there in an editorial meeting, eyes glazed over, praying that my head won’t suddenly tilt all the way to the left when the dramatic key change occurs…and that nobody can tell I’m clenching my butt ever so slightly in an effort to keep the beat. Maybe it’s good that the season is over, because now I can have better entertainment-related story ideas than ”The disco ball is exploding into hundreds of purple shingles.”
Mya, she of the elusive accent-over-the-y that I only entertained for one week, was runner-up to Donny. She’s the bigger dance talent; he’s the bigger personality. People vote for different reasons. Mya managed a big smile as Tom announced Donny as the winner, and then inexplicably talked about having a broken foot a year ago after Samantha deliberately asked her what she wanted to say to Dmitry. Oh, well. Maybe Mya can show up at the season 11 finale and talk about him then.
Kelly and Mya both danced well in the judges’ choice (Viennese waltz for Kelly, jive for Mya), but all of the finalists gave perhaps their best performances of the evening in Adam Carolla’s ”Coach” session. I got shades of Glee‘s Sue Sylvester from Adam the self-described ”dance coach who cares a little too much.” The best line was Kelly’s ”Piss off, I live in the States!” and Adam snarling back, ”Well, if you live in America, why do you sound like Madonna?” Coach’s one-on-one psych-up session with Donny was great, too. Carolla was right: The mirror ball is going back to Utah — where, ironically, dancing is illegal.
Donny sang ”Puppy Love” for Louie Vito’s floor exercise. It must have been a relief for Donny to begin a performance in the Rectagon without being terribly nervous…though who knows, maybe the ballroom fright settled in and he thought he might forget some of his ”beautiful lines.” After their dance, Samantha awkwardly acknowledged that the show wished Chelsie and Louie had been dating, even though they’re not, ”so yah knauuuu….” Huh? Hey, Louie’s been working out! Weights, not cardio. Clearly.
NEXT: Hall of Famer shamer