NOTE: Click to see Annie Barrett’s Dancing With the Stars, and find out who walked away with the mirror ball trophy.
On Monday night’s Dancing With the Stars performance finale, Mya, Kelly Osbourne, and Donny Osmond danced a final standard or Latin, barely kept up during a daunting “Megamix Challenge” (what is this, Jock Jams? I wish!), and attempted to wow us with the dreaded/revered freestyle round. More shocking than any of the performances was the fact that this episode was only 90 minutes long. What did you readers do with your extra half hour? I spent a good deal of mine coating my laptop with a fresh coat of spray tan because you can never be too safe, googling ”where to buy cute gray hat with leather strap that Kelly Osbourne wears during rehearsal,” and weeping that we didn’t get to see the DANCMSTR vanity plate a single time in season 9. WTF? I refer to this jerk by his cutesy moniker for an entire season and he can’t even validate my insanity with even a glimpse of the reasoning behind it?! The exploding mirror ball of frustration within my heart has vomited out this short poem:
Not one shot of that stupid license plate —
Has this show even less decency than I thought?
Do I need to start calling him ”Len” now?
Because hell to the no I will not!
Lame. Anyway, be sure to read through my photo gallery of The Final 3’s Best/Worst Dances throughout the season. I picked two “lights” and two “shades” for each Star, most of which were highlighted by the contestants themselves during their retrospectives. Do you think any of last night’s dances overruled their previous personal Bests? I’m thinking Donny and Kym’s freestyle did, for sure. “Oh!” grunted Mr. Vegas to close out the show. He cannot help himself. Every single time! Except when he’s sad. But he’s not sad right now, because he’s about to win a big ol’ ball of glitter.
For the last time in 2009…WILL THE JUDGES PLEASE REVEAL THEIR SCORES? CARRIE ANN INABA!
Mya and Dmitry Chaplin: 30 + 30 + 27 = 87/90 ”The power of Mya, unleashed for all to ad-miyah!” Thus spoke Bruno while thrusting a bit. I don’t know, was this really worth a perfect 30? She was quick and competent as usual, but I wasn’t so wowed. I agreed with DANCMSTR during his tutorial, when he was urging Dmitry to push Mya’s limits. ”Get it up,” he shouted at her leg. ”Kick my arm off. This girl can do it!” It’s so true. I’m not sure Dmitry has ever demanded ”too much” from her, whereas other contestants tend to seem strung out on a near-hourly basis. It’s part of the fun of the show. Anyway, Mya’s name was spelled out in giant lights behind the platform, in case we had forgotten it. Their outfits were highly reminiscent of Maks and Mel B.’s ”Free Your Mind” paso from season 5, and the dance seemed familiar because I vaguely recall Louis choreographing a pro demo that used ”We Will Rock You” in season 8. (Sara and Jesus from So You Think You Can Dance season 3 also danced to ”We Will Rock You,” but it was a crazy sped-up ”bonus version” of the song.) I found this music really distracting. Not to harp on the Best Band in the Land, but it takes a very rare guitarist to pull off the Brian May solo from that song. Why even include that?
NEXT: Donny and Kym’s subliminal ploy for the Mirrorball