The semifinal showdown on Monday night’s Dancing With the Stars featured The Entertainer, The Dance Machine, The Wild Child, and The Glamour Girl. I believe these people do have real names, but who can be bothered to remember them in the presence of Gilles Marini, enthusiastic chimes lady, a dramatic key change within the traditional DWTS theme song, and the compelling visual of Samantha Harris throwing down the final beats of said theme song with a full-body jerk comparable to the shtick typically employed by Derek as he’s in danger of no longer being lovingly framed by a camera? Not me, I tell you. Just kidding, I know their names very well by now — everyone’s except Mýa’s. Here we go.
Mýa and Dmitry Chaplin: 87 out of possible 90 I should be banished to life without sambarole for this, but until last night I had not noticed the accent on the y in Mýa’s name. Had they always included it in the little vote box? Am I a moron? Don’t answer that. Mýa and Dmitrý’s waltz was ”like love set to music,” said Bruno, because the song they danced to had been sung in Italian. The spotlights for their waltz were a bit too blinding for my taste, but did succeed in emphasizing that Mýa’s bra top and diagonal half-bodice boasted the touch, the feel of mirrorball, the fabric of our lives.
The couple’s ”La Isla Bonita” salsa for the Latin round turned out to be my favorite of their dances so far. Maybe watching her childhood package from the floor just before dancing caused Mýa to let down her guard a little, because she suddenly seemed more accessible to the audience (and DANCMSTR, who unabashedly admitted, ”I was mesmerized by your buttocks”). Right at the start of the salsa, Mýa unbuttoned Dmitry’s jacket from behind. Things were starting to make sense already. Also logical: the rotating orbs shooting out rainbow beams from the platform that looked like they should be free weights for Disco Ballroom Barbie. And you can never go wrong with a hair part that doubles as a ditch for fallen glitter. Mýa clearly had a blast during her high-energy solo, and you could tell she’d really let loose when she eagerly hugged Tom after the dance. I’m so glad all of this happened; I didn’t like seeing the best dancer in the competition as someone who at times seemed to almost resignedly go through the motions.
The pair missed out on another perfect 30 for their knockout dance, the cha cha cha, because something about the beginning wasn’t speaking to Carrie Ann. About midway through the five-second dance, Dmitry ripped off Mya’s skirt to reveal green fringed boyshorts, and I suddenly realized that the reason I thought her costume had been boring was that there had been simply too much material on her lower half. DANCMSTR complained that Bruno’s tendency to shout was ”gettin’ on me wick a bit,” but his facial reaction right after Carrie Ann squawked in his ear was a true Hidden Gem.
NEXT: Joanna and Derek’s spectacular salsa