Another week, another non-shocking double elimination on season 9 of Dancing With the Stars! NFL star Michael Irvin got the boot first, and everyone is a little sad because he was friendly and exceedingly into it. It’s unlikely we’ll miss much about his dancing, but we may very well miss his abs (see next page). Michael will miss the roaring studio audience most of all, because it’s nice to hear something like that ”when the economy is so bad.” Random! Later, after a dance-off between Mark Dacascos and Aaron Carter, the stupid judges sent Mark home, even though Aaron has been in the bottom 3 like forever. We’ll miss you, Mark. Your Dancing With the Stars tombstone in my mind shall read: ”He Liked To Move It.”
Did he ever. Mark’s knock-out dance featured some of his favorite tricks and leaps smushed into 30 seconds, plus two cartwheels. If he’d stuck with just one, maybe he’d still be around! But no; the judges weren’t going to facilitate Aaron Carter’s imminent emotional breakdown just yet. Not before a seismologist visits Planet Mirrorballus to assess possible earthquake damage to its delicate crust, at least. (Filler segment alert!) Michael and Mark were two of the most likable kids in the cast this season, so it only made sense that all 14 dancers — even Lacey, who looked like she wanted to pass out — joined up for a rousing Group Ring Around the Rosie at the end of the show. Screw Group Mambo! And screw my DVR for cutting this mega-moment off.
Did anyone notice Joey Fatone in the front row behind Tom last night, checking in with the monitor every so often to make sure he was on camera? The return of the *NSYNC-er coincided nicely with the debut DWTS performance of The Ballas Hough Vanity Project. Yes, Mark Ballas and Derek Hough are in a boy band, party of two, and they have a single called ”Move.” Their voices sounded like computers, but they were dancing at the same time, so, you know, priorities. Appropriately, the line they seemed to ”sing” the most often was ”Watch your body,” which happens to be their favorite activity provided there is a mirror in the room. I loved the guys’ efforts to partner the two lucky backup dancer girls. One hand for m’lady, one hand for m’mic! There was also a lot of crotch-grabbing. I did not see any closed hold during this dance, I’m afraid. DANCMSTR does not approve.
Rod Stewart shuffled in to sing ”It’s the Same Old Song,” which it wasn’t because I can still remember when he graced Planet Mirrorballus with ”Hot Legs” way back in season 3 and Edyta and Kym graced him on the dance floor with their legs and general presence. This time, Stewart — who seemed to have really caught the dancing bug near the end of the song — was flanked on both sides by two stock couples from what is turning out to be a very tightly packed stable of Mysterious Unnamed Pros who only get to come out and eat oats and apples and soak up the spotlight every other Tuesday night or so. Show their names on-screen or something! It’s not like we’ll remember them, but their parents could use the screengrabs for their scrapbooks. Do people make scrapbooks anymore? I hope so. If I wasn’t so accustomed to conducting my entire life on the Internet, I’d get on that right away.
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