On week 7 of Dancing With the Stars, the seven couples danced one solo routine each, but the real theme of the night was THE ULTIMATE DUEL between two ”teams” that charged out into the Rectagon in a smoke-machine sequence straight out of Iron Chef America. The secret ingredient is….rosettes! Tiered ruffles! Sparkly lace overlay! HALIBUT! The seven couples split up into Team Paso, who danced to Joan Jett’s ”I Hate Myself For Loving You” (possible nod to DWTS viewers everywhere, and to Michael Irvin because an improvised Faith Hill-in-thigh-high-boots version is the Sunday Night Football theme song) and Team Tango, who danced to ”You Give Love a Bad Name” (ditto, minus Irvin detail). Here’s how they ranked with combined solo and group scores. Ahem! Will the judges please reveal their scores? Carrie Ann Inaba!
Joanna Krupa and Derek Hough: 27/30 + 28/30 = 55 out of possible 60 I liked how this week, Derek shoved a flower in Joanna’s face (in the Red Room) instead of, you know, his junk. After last week’s crotch-bobbing display, Derek’s ”dream sequence” — featuring Joanna running on the beach and the two of them collapsing onto a ready-made picnic — seemed relatively tame, even as it ended with an NC-17 sex scene wherein Derek seduced the object of his greatest affection, his one and only true love, in the mirror. During the rumba, Joanna was miraculously able to keep up with Derek, but I think that’s mostly because all he did was fling her around. She’s eminently fling-able, like a slinky. It’s quite breathtaking, in a way. Oh wait, that was just me choking on my second Mountain Dew, still reeling from the loving closeup of Derek feeding Joanna a strawberry in his ”dream.” I didn’t see much hip action from Joanna in the rumba, but that could be because she does not have hips. I also had trouble coming to terms with those snowflake-like appliqués on her arms — the idea of one’s noodle limbs being covered at all for a televised rumba simply does not compute.
Aaron Carter and Karina Smirnoff: 29 + 24 = 53/60 Aaron must have the same Princess Sparkle, Unknowing Sponsor of Hidden Gems fetish that I do, because he designed Karina’s costume and girlfriend was rocking a big ol’ forehead bauble last night. Aaron’s fast feet during the jive — thanks to an elite personal trainer named Jade (WTF?) — won him a coveted Len Ten! I suffered haunting shades of Derek and Joanna during Aaron and Karina’s final pose; they shared a similar ”her face is at the same level as my crotch, OMG” vibe. Carrie Ann was so excited about Aaron’s jive that she called him a ”roadrunner,” then imitated some sort of robot to apparently illustrate that. She also pointed out ”one weird little thingy in the middle,” to which Tom quickly quipped, ”We call that Len.” I’m not sure which was scarier — Aaron’s ”Wahhhhhhh!” sound effects backstage with Samantha after the jive, or his feverish, over-the-top performance as the kickoff leg of Team Paso later on. Also, maybe Aaron should shave? He kind of seemed like a killer. I don’t mean to place all the blame for that on Aaron’s mealy facial scruff, because there are certainly other areas in which you could look and be frightened, but it did contribute.
NEXT: Kelly tries to go from beige to red hot