Monday’s Dancing With the Stars week 6 performance night marked the first-ever competition mambo, regulated by the supreme pre-determinism of hall monitor DANCMSTR and won by Joanna Krupa and Derek Hough. I think it was the 10 seconds Derek spent lying on his back — as a just-eliminated Donny Osmond straddled his bespangled chest and Joanna was left off to the side to shimmy all by her lonesome — that put Derek and Joanna over the edge. Joanna’s use of the corner of her dress as a temporary partner was almost as effective as Derek’s repeated ”Time to lower my breathless lady to the floor so she’s completely at my manly mercy, then bob her tiny lips-dominated noggin up and down in the general direction of my crotch”…move. Every day is crotch-bobbin’ day at Dancing With the Stars! Tom Bergeron’s comment, ”Not sure what that move was, Derek” — uttered in a perfect golf-announcer voice — will go down in Rectagon history as one of the greatest Dancing With the Stars moments ever.
Here’s how the nine remaining couples ranked after an individual waltz or jitterbug (worth the usual 30 points) and the competition mambo (maximum 10 points). The judges have their scores. Carrie Ann Inaba!
Joanna Krupa and Derek Hough: 26/30 + 10/10 = 36 out of possible 40 Considering the aforementioned mambo moment, Tom spoke too soon when he referred to Joanna and Derek’s waltz as ”the get-a-room dance of the season.” Carrie Ann noticed some hesitation and DANCMSTR wasn’t too impressed with Joanna’s footwork, but Bruno, to no one’s surprise, called her ”a butterfly gently gliding over an alpine meadow — beautiful, gleaming, weightless, wonderful.” It might be giving his speech too much credit to separate it with commas; for maximum poetic effect, it should really be one long run-on word. Two popular long-running DWTS motifs were in full effect for Joanna and Derek’s waltz: Disney Princess Pastel Ball Gown and Twirling Ballerina Atop Tinkling Music Box. Does it get any better? Depends on how well you can tolerate….
Aaron Carter and Karina Smirnoff: 25/30 + 8/10 = 33/40 Aaron’s waltz scored just one point below Joanna’s, and I agreed with the judges that it was his best dance so far. I also thought this pair, along with Donny and Kym, deserved to stay in the group mambo longer than the slower-moving Mya and Dmitry, but whatever, it’s over. I can focus on the mesmerizing nature of Karina’s spiderweb gown instead. Great idea by the camera man with the usual attention span of a gnat to zero in on Karina’s back at the beginning of their waltz. I think the music helped endear Aaron to me tonight — it was so slow and soft, he remained so calm, and Karina looked so gorgeous that there was virtually nothing annoying about their performance until Tom and the judges had to go and beat the stupid ”instant maturity! before our very eyes!” theme to death again. Aaron played the twirling-ballerina role in the music box for a few bars, but later switched to twirl-er mode near the end. And to my surprise, when I caught the dance again on a better TV: Aaron’s suit was forest green!
NEXT: No props for Mya’s jitterbug