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Dancing with the Stars recap: Foxy!

The 12 remaining couples, most of whom can stand upright without medical assistance, brave either the foxtrot or the samba

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DWTS Johnson Ballas
Craig Sjodin/ABC

Dancing With the Stars

TV Show
Reality TV
run date:
Tom Bergeron, Carrie Ann Inaba, Bruno Tonioli, Len Goodman, Erin Andrews, Julianne Hough
Current Status:
In Season

‘Dancing With the Stars’ recap: Ooh, foxy!

Welcome back to Incurring Serious Injuries with the Dim Bulbs, your one-stop shopping destination for all your ”sweaty man who cannot stand on his own attempts samba…liiiiiiiiiive!” needs. This is a very competitive category in television, and ABC’s certainly cornered the market. But at what cost? Last night, instead of keeling over and knocking himself unconscious (sorry, office poolers), weary-limbed Apple founder Steve Wozniak executed not only the worst samba in televised history, but the worst attempted Worm in history, period. He disobeyed the three official rules of the Worm! Do not attempt the Worm if you’re not sure how; do not attempt the Worm if you’re injured; definitely do not attempt the Worm if you’re Steve Wozniak. The man is on fire! No, seriously, that’ll probably be his next injury. This needs to stop.

Of course, Woz wasn’t the only spectacle of ridiculata last night. Let’s recall happier times, starting at the top of the ”judges’ leader board!” with the best-ranked couples who performed either the samba or the foxtrot on week 3…

Shawn Johnson and Mark: 27/30 Arggghhh, Mark shaved! Whatever, Mark. The couple’s foxtrot was gorgeous — Carrie Ann said it was so smooth it was like they were dancing on ice. (Convenient cut to season 6 winner Kristi Yamaguchi!) Shawn completely held her own against Mark’s moves and caused my own back to ache after that drawn-out assisted backbend, but my favorite part of their dance was, surprisingly, when they toned it down for a few seconds and just slightly swayed in place. Shawn’s performance reminded Bruno of ”a beautiful hummingbird,” which Tom misheard as ”hamburg,” but probably because he was still haunted by the first glimpse of Karina’s Hamburglar costume earlier in the evening. I loved Shawn’s dance in spite of her somewhat tragic gown…I’m not a huge fan of the pale green/dark orange spray tan color combo, especially when the pale green in question is of the confusing ”cutout” variety. But who am I kidding, Shawn looked adorable. Even cuter: Shawn’s parents gave a standing O to….

Gilles Marini and Cheryl: 27/30 The entire crowd went nuts for Gilles and Cheryl, possibly because it was the first dance for which they’d all fully awakened from their Hour 1: Total Snoozefest catnaps. I’m kind of an idiot about ballroom, but I know enough to know that samba’s a seriously difficult dance and to me, Gilles almost looked like a pro out there during certain stretches. Cheryl is a genius, but she’s so much better when you can tell she’s really into her partner. (”She was workin’ it for you!” Carrie Ann sang to Gilles.) He was workin’ it, too — recall, if you will (and you know you want to), what I have in my notes as their ”incredible bent-knee sexy walk while facing each other” that went on about 10 seconds at the start of the samba. Not to mention Gilles’ ridiculous bright red suit. His shimmery shirt matched the material — possibly mined from deep below the crust of the planet Mirrorballius — from Tony’s brown suit. And Gilles’ hypnotic pants employed that signature ”child-size glove” DWTS fit we all know and love. During the show, EW.com’s Mandi Bierly sent me an important text: ”Gilles’ pants make me blush.” Not sure if she sent that before or after Bruno likened Gilles to ”a throbbing red-hot poker.” Does it matter?

NEXT: Office crossover alert! Melissa cleans out her old cube