On last night’s Incurring Serious Injuries with the Dim Bulbs, Steve Wozniak barreled through a quickstep on a bum foot, while a completely unnecessary front flip during dress rehearsal left jackass Steve-O flat on his back, unable to perform. But is that really important? Psych! Trick question; the topic is Dancing with the Stars. But seriously, this is important to me: SUDDENLY — since last week, not last season — the original, semi-sparkly judges’ paddles have become…new, super-sparkly judges’ paddles. [Pause for gasps.]
I know. This is a lot to absorb in one sitting, especially if you didn’t peer at your TV up close to examine how the old model’s shimmery gold background has been relegated to ”border patrol” in the new model. How the original’s red outline has completely vanished. How the numbers look absurdly less elegant than they used to, thanks to this new squat, rounded font. The 9 looks especially sad for some reason — or maybe it’s just grimly hopeful, trying to make the best of a creepy situation. (Bruno’s holding it.) Anyway, I digress. You’re shocked.
Back to business. On last night’s week 2 performance show, the 13 couples danced either the quickstep or the salsa. If you weren’t swiftly eating chips while watching…then you probably feel a lot healthier than I do right now. Here’s how everyone ranked in total points over season 8’s first two episodes…
Gilles Marini and Cheryl: 27 out of possible 30 last night; 51 out of possible 60 total At the end of their quickstep, Gilles pulled a Superman gimmick, because I guess it’s suddenly become too long since Cameron Mathison did the same exact thing in season 5. (Not that I mind. Gilles’ was hotter. I think the reveal of his ‘G’ tee was also a bit better lit.) From what we’ve seen so far, Gilles is completely charming as well as super hot. He can dance, too. The trifecta! Although the couple’s quickstep song choice was misguided and terrible, Cheryl’s choreography and Gilles’ multiple dramatic head jerks (he really sold them!) made the dance a standout. Didn’t hurt that they went last, either. Anyone else get a Jon Hamm/Don Draper vibe from Gilles this week? Note to vibe: Please return for all following weeks. Merci, ma petite Nutella-smeared baguette.
Melissa Rycroft and Tony: 26/30; 49/60 I’m already beginning to disassociate Melissa from The Bachelor, which is crazy but quite a relief, as I much prefer to live in a sequin-encrusted vacuum and evaluate people solely on what they do on Dancing with the Stars. So what’s Melissa doing on this show? Giving the long-suffering Tony Dovolani another decent shot at a large knob of hardened glitter! ”It’s been so long since I’ve seen a 9,” the valiant Tony wailed, in the spirit of a thirsty vagabond come face to face with an unoccupied dunk tank. After Melissa and Tony’s dance, all three judges remarked that theirs was the first true salsa of the night. It was also the first dance to pose the difficult ocular challenge of distinguishing Tony’s deep tan from his brown tank top. Thank goodness for that heinous patterned piping!
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