Here lies Lil’ Kim’s patented Bionic Booty — beloved punchline, shaker of salt, wonder of world. Felt most comfortable when encased in full-length bodysuits. R.I.P. For future reference, DANCMSTRs, when the Dancing With the Stars Tuesday night verdict is exactly what you’d expect (see: Chuck and Julianne last week), Tom will tease it throughout the episode as the most shocking elimination of the season. But when the results are legitimately bewildering? Not a peep from the devilish man who’s hosting as fast as he can. Very sneaky, Mr. Bergeron.
Last night’s ouster of Lil’ Kim and Derek was truly the WTF? moment of season 8. The rapper, baby seal impersonator, and proud owner of 800 wigs did not deserve to go home, talent-wise, but her fan base couldn’t pull her through once she’d fallen from the top according to the judges. Cowboy cutie Ty Murray, the more obvious choice for elimination (and you could tell he felt horrible after the announcement) stays another week thanks to his endearing aw-shucks personality and serious work ethic. Actually, the real reason he stays — as Dance Center informed us — is that Ty is a robot sent to destroy mankind.
I love me some Dance Center, even if this season’s segment didn’t pack the bedazzling punch it usually does. (”Cul-de-sac’s another word for dead end…and that’s where this conversation is going.” Really, that’s the best you got?) In Tuesday’s most memorable moment, Kenny Mayne, Jerry Rice, and Len Goodman ripped off their shirts to imitate Gilles, who ”will get naked at the drop of a hat.” You had to look at Jerry or the freshly spray-tanned DANCMSTR in Chains and his not-so-hidden gem of a chest tattoo to avoid being blinded by Mayne’s torso, but we’re used to being challenged on Tuesday nights. (Who among us hasn’t played the ”Take a shot every time Samantha puts her hand in her expensive evening gown’s inexplicable pocket” drinking game? I’m so wasted right now, you guys.) I loved the use of white pen to point out Tony’s maniacal laughter as Melissa wriggled in pain in his arms during rehearsal. ”This one man, this fool, treated her so badly.” Ha! Of course, Mayne treated DANCMSTR much worse by cutting off everything he said because his opinion doesn’t matter. I still find this brilliant.
Potential new pro time: Afton DelGrosso and Cody Linley attempted to play up a headmistress/naughty schoolboy vibe. Actually, only Cody did that. Afton wasn’t havin’ it much like I wasn’t havin’ the horrid rendition of Shakira’s ”Hips Don’t Lie/Dance Like That” that accompanied their samba. The dance was competent enough, but nothing wowed me except for what I thought was an alarming distance between the two dancers at one point when Afton did a sad roundhouse kick all by herself. But then all three judges gave Afton gushing critiques. If you say so, guys. Unless it’s Dance Center, DANCMSTR knows best.
NEXT: Hidden Gem