‘Dancing With the Stars’: Waltzing the night away
Important announcement, DANCMSTRs! I officially have a new favorite Dancing With the Stars minor character for season 8. He’s the highly distracting snowman-like parking garage mascot that kept popping into frame during Derek and Lil’ Kim’s rehearsal footage this week. It’s quite possible his highness has been there all along, but I just noticed him tonight and it’s never too late to introduce yourself to a super hot guy. Check him out. He just wants to dance (with Derek)! He’s got some beautiful lines, to be sure, but needs to work on that ever-important performance quality. Right now: too flat.
Monday’s two-hour extravaganza allowed for not only a Ballroom and a Latin performance from each of the five remaining couples, but two fantastic Louis van Amstel pro demonstrations featuring Dmitry & Kym, Jonathan & Anna Tre-BUN-skaya, and Louis & Lacey (who is so hot right now). Soapbox time: I strongly feel that some light punishment needs to be administered to audience members who look anything less than totally jazzed to be there. Nothing serious, maybe just some mild electrocution via one’s seat cushion. (Are there cushions?) Crowd-based glumness is especially inexcusable during pro demos as great as these, and on a Monday night, too. What exactly is going to enrapture you if not this? Why are you sitting there? Are you even a-liiiiiiiiiiiiive? Please, just smile. ”Dang-it!” I’m so upset, I’ve become as eloquent as Melissa. Speaking of whom….
Melissa Rycroft and Tony: 57 out of possible 60 Boneless Ribs floated her way into the top spot this week after what Tom’s voice-over would surely call a ”sizzling samba” and an ethereal Viennese Waltz set to a horribly sped-up version of Sarah McLachlan’s ”Angel.” Gross! I only approve of ”Angel” when it’s played in Meg Ryan movies, commercials about dogs that need your help, or the CD player of my mom’s Toyota circa 1997. Melissa was physically and emotionally tentative throughout the waltz, but I found the part at which Tony supported her as she leaned all the way back, mid-spin, pretty impressive for someone with a hairline fracture in her ribcage. Later on, Melissa’s samba seemed predestined to earn that perfect 30. Nice fakeout from Carrie Ann: ”I have to point out the flaws. Take the week off. Flawless!” Thanks to some well-executed samba rolls, Melissa sported some major under-boob action in the left breast region for the second half of her dance. This might have gone unnoticed had it not been for her loud acknowledgement to the increasingly ecstatic Tony, and Tom, and America, that ”my boob came out!” Just kidding; we totally would have noticed anyway. This week marked Melissa’s second ”webbed” costume of the season, though the samba one was about 20 billion times more porny than this…thing. I particularly enjoyed the oversize ruffle of the rump.
NEXT: Cheryl continues to berate Gilles