‘Dancing With the Stars’ recap: Rumba bye-bye
At the end of a crazier-than-usual results show that played out like one of Steve-O’s former wild benders, the former Jackass star ”charmed the ballroom” (aww, Tom) for the last time. It seems DANCMSTR called it on Monday night with his insightful post-rumba comment to Steve-O: ”You cahhhn’t confuse movement with dahhhh-cing.” He and Lacey further clarified this important distinction during a more true-to-Steve-O’s-character interview on Jimmy Kimmel Live! in which Steve-O begged Lacey to kick him in the nuts, twice. (Did anyone catch that last night? I’m surprised Jorge Garcia didn’t sprint away.) We’ll miss you and your suitable-for-primetime self-editing, Steve-O. Though I’ll admit, I am a teensy bit glad we won’t get to see you ”manstruate” while wearing only a leopard print banana hammock during a very special samba. But if it’s between that and more ewwww-mongering footage of Chuck feeling the need to prove to America that his girlfriend turns him on…wait! Steve-O, come back!
After Lil’ Kim and Derek scampered through their encore jailhouse jive, Rascal Flatts swooped in to inspire two of ”our pros” to dance like the wind in the only fashion the wind will apparently allow: barefoot. First up, for the band’s No. 1 country single ”Goodbye,” Tony and Julianne performed what appeared to be a rumba, but on a mild fast-forward setting. (You know, with the two triangles.) If you ever wondered how Tony would look if instructed to spontaneously perform an interpretive dance using one of those giant resistance exercise bands, you need only play back this segment. I love that Julianne has absolutely no fear, but at times like these I worry her head (and God forbid, all the hair) is going to snap off at the end of every thrash sequence. It’s probably fine, though. Tony is totally the type to read the manual before using a new piece of workout equipment. Later on, Artem Chigvintsev, Aliona Vilani, Marky Mark, and a barefoot Chelsie danced to a pretty horrendous (sorry. obsessed with the Beatles) rendition of ”Revolution.” Artem and Aliona (dressed in Julianne’s military paso costume from season 7) represented ”the institu-sha-ah-onn” while Mark and Chelsie were like the rebellious hippies. At least that’s what I gleaned from it after squinting really hard. But let’s not dwell on it. You better free your mind (for Carmen Electra) instead…
I wonder if DANCMSTR found the results show ”a bit too theatrical” for his taste, with the Broadway shriek-and-dance number and Carmen Electra’s appallingly campy take on ”burlesque” later in the hour. The West Side Story performers were cute and fun, even though I couldn’t really relate to them because their costumes featured neither sequins nor fringe. Don’t worry, they came more into focus when they started swishing their billowing skirts up and about to reveal a recessive DWTS costuming gene: tiered ruffles. My mom later emailed to let me know she was extremely upset that their truncated version of ”America” didn’t allow for the only line she got to warble in her own production of West Side Story: ”Or maybe it’s fleas.” (Thanks to the theater majors in the comments section for reminding us that line’s from ”I Feel Pretty” and not ”America.” My mom clearly wasn’t invested enough in her high school musical, probably because she was relegated to the faux-exclusive role of ”special dancer.” Weren’t we all?)
Honestly, that Watch Carmen Electra Stand on a Chair! routine was quite possibly the dumbest thing I’ve ever seen. And that’s a bold statement, considering I’ve been recapping DWTS since season 2! The most horrific part about it wasn’t that Carmen Electra can’t really dance, or that a former Pussycat Doll (Lindsley Allen) dreamt up this vaguely cabaret skit, one that I could probably pull off better than Carmen because at least then the entire debacle would be intentionally bad. It was that we as the audience were supposed to accept Carmen and the Cherry Boom Boom dance troupe accompanying her as legitimate purveyors of burlesque. Not even close! Biggest WTF? moment of the season by a Ty Murray-skidding-across-the-floor landslide.
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