‘Dancing With the Stars’ recap: Heartbroken
On last night’s Dancing With the Stars results show, the ever-subtle Samantha Harris warned, ”Someone is in for a maaaaaaaaaajor disappointment.” She meant Toni Braxton, but she may as well have been talking about us viewers, as we settled in for yet another hour of fluffy, at one point vaguely ”futuristic,” filler. Not to mention, I’m sure many of you are disappointed Cloris Leachman gets to stick around instead of Toni. It’s laughable, really, which is the chief reason Cloris is still in: She makes people chuckle. More power to her; we all know the show’s not really about ballroom talent. On a positive note, Dancing With the Stars will forever be known as the one who literally unbroke Toni Braxton’s heart. You heard her. She can breathe again! Probably because she’s no longer walking around in a beaded fringe bikini.
Wait. Michael Flatley?!
Savvy viewers probably could have predicted Toni and Alec’s ouster based on fan-base estimation (personally, I was also worried about Maurice). So the real surprise last night was that daytime television MVP Susan Lucci had joined Toni in the bottom two. Ever since Susan’s fellow ABC soap star Kelly Monaco won season 1, I’ve just assumed soap stars have automatic built-in voting pools. Even Maks and the other pros thought so. Next week, Susan will have to shatter that glass box Carrie Ann thinks she lives in if she wants to stick around and get goaded into reminding people she’s Erica Kane, damnit!
Seriously? Michael Flatley?
DANCMSTR selected Cody and Julianne’s jitterbug for this week’s encore — how did I not notice how low that crotch on his pants was Monday night? Slightly less intriguing than Cody’s crotch was that bogus post-game wrap-up segment wherein the judges slumped over a card table spouting off the same phrases they’d yelped from behind a different type of table moments earlier. The only fresh insight I got out of that dreck was that the clear liquid in their drinking glasses should have been a lot more toxic than water. But I did love the few bits in which all three judges delivered the same numeric scores in unison. Yay, editors! (I’m stretching here. Feels real nice.)
Louis van Amstel Light on His Feet returned to dance with Karina as the Brian Setzer Orchestra rocked that ballroom inside out. I honestly had to press the ”play” button on my remote control to make sure I wasn’t watching the dance in fast-forward — you know, the ”two triangles” setting. Anyone? I loved hearing a real band with a real singer on a Tuesday night show. Even more, I loved that Karina recycled the pink-and-orange polka-dot dress she wore for last season’s jive with Mario. Check it out! Are you totally impressed by my powerful photographic memory? Don’t be; I uncovered that fun fact after searching my entire hard drive for the word ”polka.” Twenty-seven Word documents came up, 23 of which were about DWTS. My life! It hurts.
NEXT: Welcome to the future