”Dancing With the Stars” recap: So-so semifinals
Finally, the underwhelming season 6 of Dancing With the Stars is almost over. Wait. No, I can’t say that. What I meant was, finally, we got our first and probably only glimpse of DANCMSTR, the greatest vanity plate in the whole world, all season! The Man With the Golden Ten delivered by far the most entertaining segment of the night, cuddling with Cristián while dancing as ”the girl,” getting inappropriately felt up by Marissa, and canoodling with Kym in the back of his stretch limo. Actually, speaking of high-intensity TV segments featuring limos, Tom Bergeron ripping on that silly bloke Bachelor Matt was pretty awesome, too. ”So she gets a diamond ring, and you get a green card? That’s how that works?” Guess so!
For the semifinals, Kristi, Cristián, Jason, and Marissa each performed one standard ballroom dance and one Latin one, but this week fate determined which dances those would be. Ha. ”Fate.” The idea of the producers assuming I’d actually believe those choices were truly random is completely laughable, but not as funny as the dance-drawing method itself. Everyone pulled a mini disco ball (which then separated into halves, like a plastic egg full of jelly beans) from a super-duper giant disco ball. (We have at long last been let in on the secret of what disco balls look like inside. Red.) Here’s how the final four’s performances turned out:
Kristi Yamaguchi and Mark: 57 out of a possible 60 points Kristi continues to dance way, way better than anyone else but still land within one point of the others on the useless judges’ useless leaderboard. DANCMSTR gave her two dances — the ”too hectic” tango and the ”little bit stiff” jive — the same scores he gave Jason, Marissa, and Cristián for much lesser routines. Carrie Ann pointed out Mark’s difficult choreography for the jive but said the partners were ”just a hair out of sync.” I wonder if Mark did tone down the choreo, would Kristi be able to relax and add that performance element the judges always say is lacking? Or should she dance the most complicated routines she can, because she’s that capable? Hmmm. Discuss.
One area in which Mark did show some restraint was in fish-face making during the tango. The mouth popped open, but never as widely as in the glory guppy days of weeks 4 and 5. He was trying so hard! I think he should have made an exception during the pair’s jive, when a lock of Kristi’s hair got stuck on her lip gloss for at least a minute. Mark could have brushed that distraction aside with his nimble mouth, and that imaginary guppy finally would have intercepted a snack. Everyone wins! By the way, Mark’s jive costume — which, if you inspect it closely, was even more of a fascinating monstrosity than Kristi’s pink hologrammed dress — definitely should have been included in today’s DWTS photo gallery: Season 6 Fashion Misfires. Oh, well!
NEXT: Booty and the beat