”Dancing With the Stars” recap: Body parts
Tom and Samantha certainly toyed with us up to the last few minutes concerning the precise condition of Cristián de la Fuente’s bulging bicep. Even though the ruptured tendon in his left arm will require surgery, Cristián has decided to continue on in the hopes of becoming America’s Next Top Chilean Sea Bass. Ugh. I’m fan of his, and fish, but what a doof. ”Ruptured!” ”Surgery!” How can these keywords have no impact on him? If I got that diagnosis from my doctor ”five minutes ago, on the phone” (wha?), I’d already be under the gas. Tom seemed alarmed, too — during Cristián’s little interview, he exuded a ”This worries me” vibe that made me wonder if we may need to start calling him Tom Gunn.
I do understand Cristián’s decision — Dancing With the Stars is currently the biggest career boost around. It’s just that having functional limbs strikes me as a somewhat more substantial life perk. And yet most of us would rather see Cristián back next week than Shannon, so…all of this is moot. It’s all about our needs, after all. Good work, my aquatic friend!
So Shannon ”Legs” Elizabeth leaves instead, and my only remorse about this situation is that I didn’t come up with the nickname Shannequin weeks ago. (What the hell was I thinking? ”Needs a hip replacement,” most likely.) But even if you were pro-Shannequin until last night, the treacherous ”low blow” DanceCenter footage of her whacking Derek in the junk probably made you at least okay with last night’s outcome. That partnership turned sour rather quickly, huh? I blame the concept of showmance and the pair’s relentless willingness to play along. By this week, they didn’t even seem to enjoy each other. When Shannequin was going on and on backstage about having ”fake boobie pads and fake things in my shoes, and fake hair, but I have real nails, and real shoes, and real polish,” Derek’s requisite polite smile clearly conveyed ”Can you kill me now?” (And last night, the follow-up: ”Good!”)
This week’s encore: Jason and Edyta’s Monday Night Quickstep. Props to Jason for presumably not passing gas during the dance, although that could have explained his hapless handstand at the end, which left him face up and panting on the floor, probably whispering to Edyta, ”Was it good for you?” He also switched up his interplay with the judges — instead of flinging a stack of ”notes,” he bypassed the two expectant boys entirely and just blew a kiss at Carrie Ann. Jason is so good at improv. He should go on Top Chef!
Oh, and DANCMSTR announced a new rule that’ll work in favor of Jason, Kristi, and Mario: Next week, each couple can execute one lift per dance. To paraphrase: ”In your face, Cristián!”
NEXT: The genius of DanceCenter