”Dancing With the Stars” recap: Perfection
To borrow a metaphor from DANCMSTR (who’s been way more into metaphors this season than Bruno — what the hell?), last night’s episode of Dancing With the Stars was basically a buffet of ballroom and Latin. Seven couples performed six different dances — ones they hadn’t done before. A few buffet selections were sure things — Kristi and Mark’s jive, for example, was a dependably terrific, possibly dripping slice of prime rib that you may wish to eat with elbow-length gloves. Some were pleasant surprises — my enjoyment of Marissa and Tony’s waltz reminded me of the time I realized I really loved bacon-wrapped figs after eating them off a buffet to be polite. Who knew? Whereas poor Marlee’s samba was like the untouched platter of sliced beets hiding in the corner of the table — you want to like them because they have so much iron and they’re good for you, but in the end, they’re beets. (And Marlee’s probably beat tonight.)
According to this horrible dance-to-food formula that I refuse to let die, the wildly erratic, tepid mess of a group hoedown would have to be the buffet’s room-temperature dessert section. I’m thinking the hoedown was every flavor of cobbler, smushed together in a festering to-go container that’s been sitting in your bag since you got home five hours ago. But you heat it up anyway, because you’ve been looking forward to it all night. And then it’s gross. But it really, really meant well, and you know that, and everything is somehow okay.
Who’s not hungry anymore? Not me! Here’s how everyone did in the dances that counted:
Kristi Yamaguchi and Mark: 30 out of a possible 30 Their tasty buffet of a jive was the first perfect-30 dance of season 6! It seemed incredibly fast and complicated, and all the crazy spins worked to the former figure skater’s advantage. I can’t imagine any other nonpro woman from the whole series pulling off a dance like this one. Kristi’s three quick spins under Mark’s legs reminded me of a move Julianne performed with both Helio and Apolo, and Kristi’s rotations were just as fast. Bruno and Carrie Ann agreed that this jive was their favorite dance of the season — I’m pretty sure I agree with them, but it could be that I’m just really obsessed with the huge, polka-dotted bow in Kristi’s hair. With the bow, the white gloves, and the weird shoes, Kristi had a solid Minnie Mouse vibe goin’ on. Mark’s look, as Tom pointed out, was more ”Buddy Holly meets Steve Urkel,” and I must say the nerdy glasses definitely distracted from Mark’s open-mouth syndrome. These two win the award for most crap jammed into a rehearsal package — I’d have thought a Tiger Woods charity event and the story of Kristi’s childhood disability (clubbed feet) would’ve demanded at least two weeks’ worth of filler. Not so. To quote Carrie Ann for no reason, ”Hay-ul, yeah!”
NEXT: Mario and Karina get it on