”Dancing With the Stars” recap: The great lift scandal
The general consensus among DWTS fans after last night’s musically challenged paso doble and Viennese-waltz extravaganza was probably ”WTF, Carrie Ann?” Whether the judge’s hissy fits regarding lifts were totally scripted or a desperate ploy for attention, they didn’t make much sense. According to the rules, said Carrie Ann, at least one of both dancers’ feet must be touching the floor during a trick. If that’s true, though, nearly every couple would have been disqualified already. Why bring it up now?
So the ”lift” drama came a little too late, but another major event came way too early. The judges awarded the first perfect 30 of the season (on week 4!) to Sabrina Bryan and her partner Mark. First, I must give props to PopWatch commenter Welles for wondering whether Mark reminded anyone else of the Marc from Ugly Betty. Yes! Right after ballroom Mark told Sabrina, ”You can’t laugh,” he contorted his face into super-faux-serious mode, just like Mode magazine Marc. Good call, Sir or Madam Welles.
Now, while I don’t possess a prickly disposition, a DANCMSTR vanity plate, or a proclivity toward nonsensical imagery uttered in a highly stylized accent, I wouldn’t have given Sabrina and Mark a 10 for their paso doble. It was good, just not perfect. Their choreography was difficult, but Sabrina seemed a bit behind the music the whole time, and they missed their final flourish by more than a whole beat. Sabrina did power through her moves, and you know I always love ”a little minx on the prowl” (Bruno’s words), but something was off with their performance. Was it Mark’s insistence on showing off his own tricks? Was it the unfortunate rendition of ”You Spin Me Round”? Was it that Sabrina resembled Grimace in that big purple dress and I kept wanting her to turn into a cartoon and offer me McDonald’s fries? We shall never know, DANCMSTRS-in-training. Moving on….
Jennie Garth, Cameron Mathison, and Helio Castroneves all tied for second with 27 out of a possible 30 points. Jennie was the clear standout here, if only because her partner, Derek, worked wonders choreographing a respectable paso doble to a slowed-down version of Fatboy Slim’s ”Because We Can.” I should point out here that while I’m sure the horrible song choices infuriate most of you, I find them hilarious and at this point essential to the show. It’s not a challenge unless your song is the worst choice on the planet — and the DWTS producers keep redefining the term ”the worst choice on the planet” into realms far beyond my expectations, season after season. You kind of have to hand it to them. ”It,” in your case, could be a steaming pile of fringe stewed in the excessive neck sweat of Wayne Newton. But you should at least hand them something.
Like Jennie, Cameron finally got into the full character of his paso doble with Edyta. They had to dance to an improvised (and really slow) Superman theme (sorry readers, complete 3 a.m. brain fart on my part and yes — duh!), a song choice so ridiculous that I think it actually helped Cameron loosen up. The Superman gimmick was already tired by last week, but the giant C on Cameron’s shirt did seem to lend him some weird electricity and charisma that would have played out horribly in any other musical setting than the laughable one he was in. (You see? Sometimes it’s essential!) Not to be outdone, Edyta contributed to the general spectacle in the only way she knew how: by cutting up a one-piece bathing suit and strategically gluing its shreds over her nipples. I’m liking the teamwork, you two!
Helio and Julianne danced a Viennese waltz to a song that was not absolutely atrocious, so I won’t bother mentioning its name. The couple had a rough week in the studio as they argued over how best to learn the dance. The segment made Helio seem like a bit of a control freak, but I have a feeling he’s just nervous about remembering steps. Julianne really does seem to move quickly and throw very difficult moves into each dance. Helio got over it, Julianne reminded him who was boss, and they turned out a romantic routine. ”You’re like sunlight — you can never have enough!” exclaimed Bruno to a man named Helio. Good one, Brunes!
NEXT: Waltz going on?