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Emmys 2017
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Dancing with the Stars recap: Boys Night Ouch

Except for Helio Castroneves’ surprising debut, the men’s first performances on ”Dancing With the Stars” had their share of painful moments

Posted on

Craig Sjodin

Dancing With the Stars

TV Show
Reality TV
run date:
Tom Bergeron, Carrie Ann Inaba, Bruno Tonioli, Len Goodman, Erin Andrews, Julianne Hough
Current Status:
In Season

”Dancing With the Stars”: Just for men

I got three things out of the men’s debut on Dancing With the Stars. All the guys seem incredibly psyched and happy to be there (yay!), I’m pretty sure we’re in for a whole season of Mark Cuban-holding-his-rod jokes (nay!), and the producers really, really want to drive home the point that supermodel Josie Maran, last night‘s lowest scorer, is about to get kicked off the show. Seriously, that final zoom-in on her when Tom mentioned yet again that someone would have to leave the competition? Totally cruel.

Oh look, I’m over it!

By the way, thanks to commenter ”J Cool” for calling me out on my pledge last season to refer to Len Goodman only by his vanity license plate: DANCMSTR. I didn’t think anyone would remember that. I give you a 10! And now, the men….

Helio Castroneves: 25 out of 30 points Once again, Julianne Hough gets to partner an adorable and charismatic champion of zooming around in a circle. The two-time Indy 500 winner had me at ”I’m dancing! Woooo!” just a few seconds into his rehearsal footage. He made funny and somehow not annoying faces during the pair’s fox-trot and made that twirly neck-wrangling move Julianne loves so much look easy. (Which it probably is, compared to all the other steps.) DANCMSTR veered into Bruno’s cheesy-wordplay territory and said Helio looked like he was on ”cruise control,” and Carrie Ann called him ”a natural.” But for me, Helio’s most charming moment came as he matter-of-factly told Drew Lachey, ”I guess I have more fun than you.”

Albert Reed: 21/30 The self-proclaimed least-famous celebrity of the bunch is ready to strive all season to “attain dancing,” which should be pretty fun to watch. He willingly wore an open-chested Elvis getup on week 1, and the boy clearly has no problem Embracing the Spangle, which is one of the key elective courses (though not a requirement) of the series. Add in Bruno’s favorite type of action — ”crrrrrotch,” with the rolling r — and Russian sassmaster Anna Tre-BUN-skaya, and the male model could last quite a while. After his particularly thrusty cha-cha, I loved Drew’s reference to Albert’s potential male fan base in addition to the more obvious female one. And I can rest easy at night now that I finally know DANCMSTR’s approach to watching strippers: ”Don’t worry what they’re doing — just sit back and enjoy it!” Hi, kids!

Mark Cuban: 21/30 There are times in a woman’s life when she wishes she could reverse the earth’s rotation, thus going back in time. Seeing Mark Cuban’s nasty ass scar (NASCAR?) in HD was one of those times. I can’t even begin to understand why one would enter an insanely physically demanding competition seven weeks after a hip replacement. Maybe it’s some sort of fun bet Mark made with himself: Winner gets a lifetime of lingering pain; loser pays for another surgery! I’m positive he’s just banking on the latter, and why wouldn’t he? He has a young daughter to impress, and we all know money can’t buy the approval of a child raised on reality TV. He and Kym performed a fairly competent cha-cha. Mark needs to reel in the tongue and never lip-synch again. He’s annoying, but his genuine sense of excitement and the way he took notes on an actual piece of paper instead of some gadget really spoke to me. I’m serious.

NEXT: Can Just for Men survive a September Storm?