‘Dancing With the Stars” recap: J. Lo sings
Thanks mostly to J. Lo, this week’s results show wasn’t the filler-fluffed suckfest it usually is. Minimal dwelling on Marie Osmond’s collapse, a few awkward cue-card malfunctions that really kept us guessing, and the long-awaited elimination of billionaire and computer user Mark Cuban all made for a rather enjoyable hour — albeit one that still could have been cut in half. Or quarters. Or maybe triangles? For the last time, producers, no crusts!
After five weeks of Cuban’s understandably strained dancing (considering the titanium rod in his hip), most people probably appreciated his determination and work ethic but were also very ready for him to head back home. One more week of his ”I refuse to quit” speeches, and security may have had to drag him out of the studios on a noose-like leash fashioned out of his Apple extension cord. And then how could he have Googled himself? Disasters all around.
Did Mark’s dramatic weight loss all happen this past week, or have I just been subconsciously not focusing on his body this whole time? Perhaps he should have been on The Biggest Loser: Average-Size Billionaires Edition, because this is something he actually could have won. After Tom called Mark and Kym down to the stage, Mark boasted that he’d lost ”30-some pounds.” I am more than a little ashamed that I know the accurate tally was 34, because I watched Cuban on Kimmel and he said so, just before showing the audience his diminished gut and animatedly discussing the hypothetical shaving of his butt.
By the way, if you’re easily amused like me and enjoy playing back uncomfortable moments in your recordings, do relive Len and Bruno’s reaction to the professional Lindy Hop exhibition — it was the perfect marriage of indifference and disgust. And you’ll definitely want to watch Jane Seymour, who landed in the bottom two with Mark, attempt for about 10 whole seconds to swoop in on Mark’s face for what was surely an ”elegant” and ”classy” cheek kiss. (Speaking of which, we should start placing bets right now on when one of the judges is going to trip up on the mainstay Jane adjectives and accidentally just call her ”old.”)
Some uncomfortable moments, though, shouldn’t even be played once. I’ll admit that I used to think Samantha Harris’ constant screwups were somewhat endearing. I’d smile when she started talking because I knew something slightly ridiculous was about to happen. But at this point, her gaffes have become so painful I cringe not when she starts speaking but throughout the second half of all of Tom Bergeron’s sentences, as he’s winding down and possibly about to hand off the baton. My intolerance for Sam is at an all-time high. Asking Scary to name who should be in the bottom two? Contributing nothing but a slow-paced ”Well…there ya go!…Tom?” after a useless Helio Castroneves ”interview” backstage? Seriously, I’ve had it. Samantha could be replaced by literally anyone and I’d be psyched.
Ugh. Well, on a positive note concerning the hosts, I freakin’ loved when Tom sang, ”Liiiiiiive!” while making googly eyes, and how he read every viewer’s mind at the elimination by saying, ”Let’s get the scary music going.” Yes, it’s about that time!
NEXT PAGE: J. Lo gets loud, and Maksim further expounds on the genius that is Maksim