Last night was Movie Night! Brooke Burke dressed as the huge piano in Big. Tom Cruise lookalike Jake Pavelka showed 20 million people his Risky Business tighty-whiteys before mercifully yanking on some special ballroom sweatpants. Erin Andrews wore the wrong color wig to become Mia Wallace. And Kate Gosselin has never seen The Breakfast Club. Again and again, her partner Tony looked directly at the camera, gaping in disbelief at the strange, alternate plane of ”reality” in which his life now takes place. It’s hard out there for a ballroom pimp who has to babysit a yawning, delusional grown-up.
Before we get to the all-important judges’ leaderboard, you may wish to watch this clip of Mugatu from Zoolander. Just imagine that Brooke Burke is the one screaming ”I invented the piano-key necktie! What have you done, Derek? You’ve got nothing. NOTHING!” in an effort to keep him her former dance partner on his toes.
Refreshing, right? It’s the most edge Brooke has shown all season. Thanks, Will Ferrell. Now, will the judges please reveal their scores? Carrie Ann Inaba!
Nicole Scherzinger and Derek Hough: 29 out of possible 30 Tragically, Nicole and Derek’s Pretty Woman-inspired shopping spree seemed inauthentic as Nicole was wearing a gorgeous floral print dress I would desperately love to own instead of a hooker outfit. Oh, and someone should have ordered a pizza. Pretending to spend over $27,000 was, of course, the logical way to get Nicole into character for a skillful but jarringly urgent tango. Nicole’s ”I’ll cut a bitch!” attitude suited the sharpness of the dance, but it really had nothing to do with the movie. Julia Roberts’ character was savvy and sly, but I’ve never thought of her as angry or fierce. Maybe I’m taking the movie-night thing too literally. Here’s a more legit, dance-specific complaint: Nicole definitely finished at least a beat off the music at the end. Which is fine. But if the routine wasn’t perfect, why give it a 10? Even Nicole and Derek looked shocked to to hear that DANCMSTR thought the tango was Nicole’s best dance and to get perfect scores from Bruno and Carrie Ann. ”Every moment, you could have taken a snapshot and it would just be art,” said C.A. I would like to prove her wrong with a few screengrabs of open-mouthed Tango Fish Face (copyright Mark Ballas), but instead I will accept that art is highly subjective and move on.
Evan Lysacek and Anna Trebunskaya: 27/30 Despite an inexplicably sped-up ”I Don’t Want to Miss a Thing,” Evan and Anna performed a ”clean routine.” (Love that skate-speak from Evan.) I liked how the only references to their film, Armageddon, were as broad and sweeping as their exquisite rumba extensions: ”Sweet and romantic” (has she seen the movie?) was the only direction Anna gave, theme-wise. And then I think her dark blue, sparkly gown was meant to represent outer space, which would make Evan the astronaut who wants to get it on with his true passion, the exploration of the galaxy. The holes in Evan Lysacek’s awareness of the universe perfectly mirrored the gaping cutouts of his partner’s UV-rayed torso. I’m sure Buzz Aldrin could have elucidated for days on this topic. The point is, these two looked hot, danced all slithery, and deserved to place on par with Nicole and Derek. Also, I would not have been shocked in the least if the orange-hued Evan was supposed to be an Oompa Loompa and Anna was, like, the tattered navy lining of Willy Wonka’s tremendous violet coat. Oompa Loompa doompadee do, I’ve got another nuzzle for you….
NEXT: Don’t try to take Jake to a disco