On the Week 4 performance episode of Dancing With the Stars, the judges instituted a Double Score Showdown, awarding each of the nine remaining couples two separate scores for technique and performance… on the same day that KFC came out with its Double Down Sandwich, a triumph of calories and 100 Percent Pure Cheese in which fried chicken filets sub in for the two sides of a bun. First of all: Coincidence? Yes, almost definitely. Second: What is this, figure skating? No, silly. It’s ballroom dancing. Kate Gosselin would like to take this opportunity to mention that Week 4 really wasn’t fair for her. You see, she’s not a figure skater like Evan, a cheerleader like Erin, or a ”lover of performance” like frickin’ Jake Pavelka. Yes, the Bachelor. They are one in the same. Surprise! You are beginning to recognize his full name.
By the way, DANCMSTRs, I hope you’ve arrived at EW.com before going to read the news that will tell you what the rest of the day is gonna bring you — what hell you’re gonna go through. Every day, there’s something huge. And if you already did check the rest of the Internet, you’ve got to let that go. You can’t bring that in here. If you let that get to you, Jon Gosselin wins. If you fail this week, he wins. Will you let that happen? Deep breath, tango and rumba-monsters. Here we go. Come on, let’s do a crazy-ass routine.
Wow, thanks for stopping by, Tony. Congrats on your accordion mastery (potential Hidden Gem?) and for delivering the line of the night: ”Wow, Kate Gosselin’s speechless. This is awesome.” Now, will the judges please reveal their DOUBLE SHOWDOWN scores? Carrie Ann Inaba!
Evan Lysacek and Anna Tre-BUN-skaya: 26 technical + 26 performance = 52 out of possible 60 ”Wait a Minute” — was that a Pussycat Dolls song for Evan and Anna’s tango? Sort of. The couple took a chance by incorporating a chair into the first section of the routine — I kept thinking they better not break hold after that or DANCMSTR would flip his s—. No worries; their dance was great. Bruno called Evan ”strong and powerful with a hint of catlike arrogance.” I’m loving the unexpected instant-replays we’re getting this season during the judges’ critiques — in this case, we could realize what DANCMSTR was talking about when he said Evan’s Viennes crosses pleased him. DANCMSTR and I have always had different priorities; what pleased me most about this week’s top couple were the ”boob-eyelid” cutouts of Anna’s dress and her crazy ”pyramid steps” hairstyle.
Nicole Scherzinger and Derek Hough: 25 + 25 = 50/60 Could Nicole hold back the giggles as she attempted the dance of love? Not with a braid that was possibly a snake attached to her Edyta-lite ”dress”! Like love, a snake/braid attached to one’s costume ”is… scary sometimes.” The worst thing the judges could come up with after Nicole’s hyper-extended rumba was that her arms were over-exaggerated. I’m not sure why Nicole was on the verge of tears after receiving such hearty scores, but maybe it was due to something unrelated to dance. (Blasphemy!) The most lasting visual of their segment was Derek, explaining ”this is my love hand” while slowly humping a pillar in the middle of the rehearsal studio. Runner-up visual was Derek stumbling down the Technicolor Staircase at the beginning of the show. ”Boy, why you tripping like that?” Nicole might have said/sung to him. Pussycat Dolls joke. I’m so sorry.
NEXT: Heart pillows! What’s the occasion? Who cares?