Last night’s second performance episode of Dancing With the Stars touched every moment from euphoria (Pamela Anderson’s ‘O’ faces) to despair (Tony threatening to quit on Kate Gosselin). Some of these moments took place in the past, like Buzz Aldrin walking on the moon and Shannen Doherty donning a Heathers-inspired business suit. Congratulations to DWTS for whipping out a Heathers revival so soon, and for the record I’d very much like to see Shannen conduct a Lunchtime Poll with DANCMSTR, Bruno, and Carrie Ann at their judges-only cafeteria table. I trust that this table is extra-sturdy in case Bruno decides to jump on top of it and swivel his hips for the rest of the staff, or in case Winona Ryder drops by and tries to steal it. It’s probably blocked off by sparkly ***LIFT POLICE*** tape because Carrie Ann thinks everything around her is a potential crime scene. You know the rules: It’s safety first at Dancing With the Stars. Then tears. And finally — crucially — an artful and deliberate arrangement of perky breasts. Here we go.
Oh, but first, if you think you can handle Our Lady of Scripted Metaphors prancing around the boardwalk in a thong, do watch Bruno shake it in Elton John’s ”I’m Still Standing” video. I may have just turned this recap into a nightmare. Wake up, wake up!
Nicole Scherzinger and Derek Hough: 28 out of possible 30; total of 53 out of possible 60 Uh oh! Nicole’s heart was set on a traditional, ’50s-style, ”Great Balls of Fire” jive and then the producers had to ruin everything by forcing her to dance to Rihanna. ”We worked it out, girl,” Nicole assured Rihanna after her dance, because Rihanna was totally watching. No worries; Derek reacts well during a crisis. ”Just do that little thing you do,” he advised Nicole, who immediately whipped her hair around like a Pussycat Doll. Derek, for his part, started out the jive by flirting with the resident Marilyn Monroe incarnate in the Celebriquarium before suddenly realizing oh no, it was time to sprint onstage and Work. It. Out. Girlllll. Carrie Ann approved of all of this. ”Nicole. Derek. S.O.S. Jive. Spray tan. Silver costumes. Ponytail. Great shoes. Perfection.” I need to start composing recap paragraphs in this beautiful new prose style. Nah. I can sleep when I’m dead.
NEXT: Evan has a new nickname