On the week 6 elimination episode of Dancing With the Stars, it was bye-bye to commercial pilot and Tom Cruise lookalike Jake Pavelka. Big dreamer Jake, who can’t imagine what in life can top something like Dancing With the Stars, called season 10 ”the best season of Dancing With the Stars I’ve ever seen.” He’s probably never seen the show. If he had, he’d realize that when people get kicked off, they’re supposed to talk about their partners! After being prompted by Brooke’s synthetic ponytail to address Chelsie, Jake called her one of his best friends. Not sure how Chelsie felt about that. It generally seemed like she never really understood anything he was saying. She’d just nod and bravely smirk. What the hell was he ever talking about? Why was he thanking Canada? Silly, tied-down Bachelor.
If anyone wants to see an unflattering closeup of Vienna pretending to be upset that her man will no longer be spending all of his time dancing with a younger, hotter blonde click here. You know you’ll miss her! No. You won’t.
Chad and Cheryl received orders from DANCMSTR on high to perform their Argentine tango as the encore. A fully clothed Maks and partner Erin were announced as safe first, and then the rest of the show was a ploy to get us to think Evan and Anna were ”in danger.” You see, ”Evan has fallen from heaven,” and having to stand under a red light on a reality show is reasonable punishment for a naughty angel like him. Niecy and Louis shared the ”real” bottom two with Jake and Chelsie, so Pamela and Damian avoided the red light another week. The Tuesday night patterns this season are now almost as ”shaken up” as that wacky graphic of the judges’ leaderboard. According to my mom, you should try not to look directly at that thing if you’ve had a wee bit wine. I’m sober, of course, Can’t you tell? These recaps are always so lucid.
I’m loving the musical guests this season. We could tell Melissa Etheridge was infused with the spirit of the show based purely on the fact that there were black shiny things on her dress shirt. Who knew she would run out to the middle of the Rectagon and totally wail? Loved it. For ”Fearless Love,” Tony danced with Chelsie and Maks danced with Anna. More of that second pairing, please. Now That’s What I Call Incorporating the Judges’ Table! At the end of this first number, all five performers draped their arms around each other out on the floor like the cast of Dawson’s Creek or something. I don’t wanna wait…
…Luckily I didn’t need to wait for my life to be over until Melissa sang again — this time, her iconic hit ”Come to My Window” with Alec and Edyta as the side dish of sex. Of course, Edyta matched two bouts of dramatically outstretched arms to the repeated lyric ”just to reach you.” Then all her hair welded itself to Alec’s face for a good two seconds due to the stop-and-go nature of their rumba. It was the weirdest alternative to the actual music video for ”Come to My Window” I’ve ever seen, and if you’re a true DANCMSTR, you will find that this version becomes the more reasonable of the two the longer you think about it. At the end, Edyta gave a smooth, sultry look to the camera as if to say, ”I don’t have to come to his window, because I already live with this blisteringly attractive steed.”
NEXT: All the filler segments. (Now put your hands up!)