On the week 6 performance night of Dancing With the Stars, the seven remaining couples danced either the Argentine tango or the samba, dodged or fully embraced the miracle of Donny Osmond’s touch, and competed in a swing-dance marathon during which the only thing more pre-determined than the pairs’ final placement was that Derek would find a way to smother his partner’s face with his crotch. Hey, it’s tradition!! Whatever helps you win!
”All our stars are true contenders,” said Tommy B, which was a nice euphemism for ”Kate Gosselin is gone.” Will the judges please reveal their scores? Carrie Ann Inaba!
Nicole Scherzinger and Derek Hough: 26 + 10 (1st place in swing-dance marathon) = 36 out of possible 40 Yo, guys, peace! Nicole had it made with a samba routine perfectly tailored to her Pussycat Doll specialties of gyrating, opening her mouth, and making sure the camera gets her best side. Unfortunately for Derek, DANCMSTR judges on voltas and bota fogas. And… he lost me. Len’s point was that Derek’s choreo wasn’t technical enough, but the 7 paddle of one cranky Englishman couldn’t stop the frontrunners from thrusting out far ahead of the rest of the pack and two points ahead of Maks and Erin. Nicole’s moves, her abs, and possibly her thick-cut fringe crafted from a cheap pom-pom caused Bruno to — I s— you not — ”dribble with desire.” Speaking of the nether regions, right before the couple’s crotch-centric lift during the swing-dance marathon, Nicole swatted at Maks and Erin to get out of her way. Next time she should incorporate her deadly pelvic bones into her attacks. Sidenote: Carrie Ann’s French manicure could also kill someone, if only out of fear. And if looks can kill, Nicole and Derek better not glance up to the celebriquarium after completing their next dance. Peace, y’all.
Erin Andrews and Maksim Chmerkovskiy: 25 + 9 (2nd place in marathon) = 34 We’ve seen a lot of ”overanalyzing” contestants over the years, but unlike most of them, Erin has a real knack for copping a natural, sassy ballroom attitude once the music begins. Which is pretty great — I hate when people seem freaked out during routines, even though I know they can’t help it. Erin’s overanalyzing will almost surely send Maks to a very lucky mental institution by season’s end, but this week it translated into a spot-on samba. Its fast pace and difficult choreography allowed Erin to release some of her aggression after she was brutally kicked out of her beginner’s figure skating class a few hours prior, due to excessive feathers. To cheer her up (and with her help), Maks kindly removed his clothes. Screw that shirt! It was the shirt’s fault for having the audacity to cover his chest in the first place. Presumably, the fabric remnant he hurled at the judges landed directly on DANCMSTR’s eyes so he was unable to see Erin ”nail it, nail it, nail it, nail it, nail it” (said Carrie Ann). Funny, I believe that’s the exact mantra incorporated by Maks and Erin as they double-teamed Tom for a big wet kiss.
NEXT: Chad gets big, Pam wears a wig, and Evan somehow lands (on his head) in fifth place