They kept on dancing and the ballroom got hot. This week, very special guests Kiss — lovable metal-studded caricatures of hard rock — visited Dancing With the Stars, a lovable, Swarovski crystal-studded caricature of a televised dance competition. Both drive us wild and crazy, especially when there’s tongue involved. What’s not to love?
I mean, get this: In honor of Rock Week, Tom Bergeron was wearing a black sport shirt and NO TIE, while Brooke Burke made up for Tom’s partial nudity by wearing all the weaves from the hair trailer. Every last one. She was the ultimate fire hazard, so considering the heightened use of pyrotechnics (just because), this may have been the ballroom’s most dangerous and rebellious night yet. I like to think that had Brooke caught on fire, Kiss would have immediately launched into “God of Thunder” in conjunction with the Planet Mirrorballus sprinkler system.
This was no normal night. Gene Simmons compared tongue lengths with heavy metal legend Tristan MacManus. The members of the DWTS troupe and DWTS band director Harold Wheeler all sported full-on kabuki makeup (decoys, all of them, except Harold Wheeler). There was SO MUCH FIRE! All of that plus John Stamos in the audience?
The judges rate this spectacle an 11. (“Ele-vehhhhhn!”) Have mercy.
Who needs Queen when you have ¿Que?
Will the judges please open their eyes, look up to the skies, and reveal their scores? Carrie Ann Inahhhhh-ber!
Donald Driver and Peta Murgatroyd: 27 out of possible 30 As soon as their “Purple Haze” paso doble kicked in, I was like, “Finally! A real rock song.” Everything about this was on point — Donald’s sparkly guitar prop and purple head scarf, Peta’s sheer violet gown and violent hair extensions, the way Peta looked like a wind-up toy spinning out of control at the end, and the fact that Donald quickly tossed aside that pesky matador vest to let his bare chest and many tattoos claim the spotlight.
I think their first floor spin, with Peta’s body arching up with increased momentum after a full rotation had already happened, was the best lurching floor spin in DWTS history. Yeah I said it! The only thing that seemed slightly out of place was Donald’s tongue-wagging Gene Simmons impersonation in the middle and at the end of the dance, as if he was required to show that he remembered it was supposed to be
heavy metal hard rock week.
Carrie Ann cooed incoherently about “psychedelic bizarre sexy hot” (a lesser-known TLC B-side?) before deciding Donald’s paso was one of the most memorable moments of the season. Len offered to compare tattoos with Donald and told him “I don’t know whether you scared the bull, but you flattened the life out of me,” and Bruno approved of the dance’s sense of humor, “which always goes down well with me.” Oh I bet it does, Bruno. So it’s clear: Everyone has a crush on longtime Dancing With the Stars devotee Donald. And everyone certainly loved this dance — even a wax figure of Little Richard in the audience.
NEXT: Bad news for Roshon Fagan: You are not on American Idol